Review: Blackenstein

Dr. Winifred Walker (Ivory Stone) asks former mentor Dr. Stein (John Hart) to help her Vietnam War-injured lover Eddie (Joe De Sue). With limbs blown off by a landmine, the good doctor obviously has his work cut out for him. However, with Dr. Stein’s mastery of transplant surgery, there may be hope. Enter evil lab assistant Malcomb (Roosevelt Jackson) to mess things up, resulting in the hulking, lumbering monstrous title character.

Every bit as bad as you may or may not have heard depending on your interest in Blaxploitation, this 1973 horror turd from director William H. Levey (the terrible horror pic “Hellgate”) isn’t even the right kind of bad movie. Scripted by producer Frank R. Saletri (his one and only film credit, tellingly), it’s the kind of thing that thinks naming the doctor Dr. Stein is the height of hilarity. Ugh. Nope, this one just sucks to the point where you can’t believe the name Al Adamson isn’t in the credits somewhere.

The sole source of humour here for me was the fact that someone with the utterly fantastic name Ivory Stone appeared in a Blaxploitation film. I mean that’s just damn poetic. To be honest, I hope everyone involved was using a pseudonym here, lest their names be tarnished with such a shoddy, cheap-arse film. The performances from no one you’ve ever heard of are truly terrible, though Roosevelt Jackson (forget Stone, that’s the most 1970s Blaxploitation actor name I’ve ever heard) at least has a deep, booming voice something like a bored mixture of James Earl Jones and Boris Karloff. Meanwhile, Levey overdoses on dreadful lightning and thunder FX in just the first five minutes, and the music score by Cardella DeMilo (the nightclub singer in the film, who also had a role in “Dolemite”) & Lou Frohman (“The Slime People”) is overbearing too. About the only damn thing here that isn’t awful is the collection of 70s soul songs on the soundtrack, but even that overstays its welcome a bit once we get an on-screen performance (The nightclub comedian/emcee’s extended cameo is completely unnecessary and intrusive).

Thematically the film is rather on the nose too, if you think about it for even a second. I get that’s probably somewhat intentional, but that doesn’t help make it palatable. The only halfway interesting thing in the script is that for once, while misguided, the doctor character isn’t the villain. Meanwhile, no one from an acting or screenwriting level appears to understand any of the medical concepts mentioned throughout the film. Its science is even more ridiculous and fantastical than in most “Frankenstein” films. This ain’t no “Frankenstein”, it’s not even “Young Frankenstein” or “Re-Animator”. Even by Blaxploitation standards, this shit’s even worse than “The Black Six”, “The Black Godfather” and “Dolemite”. That’s a shame, because the basic concept could’ve provided, if not “Blacula” levels of entertainment, at least some trashy and outrageous fun in a “Soul Vengeance” vein. Nope, it’s no fun at all and slow as hell, too. Even gorehounds will be disappointed here because it’s been so poorly lit you can barely see a damn thing. Again, a shame because I get the sense that it was probably rather gory.

Insulting, tedious, bargain basement junk with an OK soundtrack but nothing else on offer. It really is one of the worst things you’ll ever see. Capped off by one of the worst conclusions in cinematic history, I can’t even claim this one has merit in a ‘You at least have to see it once’ vein. Nope. Just watch the trailer and pretend you’ve seen the film instead.

Rating: F