Review: Hellboy

Half-demon Hellboy (David Harbour) is sent to England and hooks up with the Osiris Club, who are seeking a giant. Somehow, King Arthur, Merlin, an evil ‘Blood Queen’ (Milla Jovovich), and a couple of agents from the Bureau of Paranormal Research (a grumpy Daniel Dae Kim and young Sasha Lane) are also thrown into the mix. Also around from time to time is Hellboy’s father Professor Bloom (Ian McShane), whilst Sophie Okonedo plays a ‘seer’ in league with the villains. Get ready for lots of CGI blood, flashbacks, expository dialogue, and absolutely no energy whatsoever.

The world didn’t need another “Hellboy” film, let alone a re-boot, let alone a re-boot without Ron Perlman in the title role. Guillermo del Toro and star Ron Perlman already gave us two solid “Hellboy” films. However, an R-rated “Hellboy” directed by Neil Marshall (“The Descent”, “Dog Soldiers”, the underrated “Doomsday”, the mediocre “Centurion”) at least sounded to me like it might’ve had a chance of not seeming like a completely unnecessary waste of time, talent, and money. Unfortunately, this 2019 film is indeed a completely unnecessary waste of time, talent, and money.

Scripted by Andrew Cosby (one of about 20 producers of the not-bad action-comedy “2 Guns”) and based on the Mike Mignola comic, I knew we were in trouble with this ‘origin story’ when the action (and title character) quickly moved to the United Kingdom for the bulk of the film. I know Marshall is British, but this seemed to me more of a way for the folks at Millennium/Nu Image (There’s an omen for you already. That company has its origins in The Cannon Group/Golan-Globus!) to make this thing a little more…economically, to be euphemistic in the extreme. It’s a hack-job, basically. Before the opening credits we’re treated to King Arthur, Milla Jovovich, an eaten eye, an arm chop, a decapitation, and a talking severed head. None of it is particularly necessary or interesting, though Ian McShane’s profane narration is brilliant. He’s good, and I loved the Mexican version of ‘Rock You Like a Hurricane’ played at one point. The rest…yeesh.

It only took five minutes and I was already not remotely sold on David Harbour in the title role. The makeup actually looks rather cheap and the actor brings zero personality or presence to the role. I know Ron Perlman’s shoes are likely pretty damn big, but Harbour (who is apparently a bit taller than Perlman but doesn’t look it) seems to somehow shrink inside the role, coming across more bored and bemused than anything. A film following McShane’s character would’ve been a lot more fun than this. This one never gets off the ground, with far too much emphasis on complex exposition delivered by McShane and Sophie Okonedo, the latter of whom used to be an Oscar-nominated actress. Oh she still is that same award-nominated actress, but it was so long ago and her subsequent work has been so unmemorable that it almost seems like “Hotel Rwanda” was a dream, not reality (Apparently she’s on a TV show with Anna Paquin at the moment. The incessant ads for it ensure I’ll never watch it). Also, given the film is set in the UK and features a mostly British cast of characters, why in the hell is South Korean-born American actor Daniel Dae Kim here straining to put on a (almost convincing) English accent? That one was a head-scratcher, and the poor actor looks to have been forced at gunpoint to appear in the film. Learning subsequently that the character in the comics is a Japanese-American only adds to the befuddlement for me. Young actress Sasha Lane is especially amateurish in an important role. Alistair Petrie does an OK poor man’s Julian Glover/Charles Dance, but that’s…well, is that even faint praise? Dance will turn up in almost anything of any quality, so what does it say that they’ve had to settle for this bloke? Milla Jovovich is as wooden as ever in a role that called for histrionics.

Some of the gore is nice, such as a bottom jaw rip, but I don’t watch films for gore alone. Surely we can all agree that at the very least this film is unnecessary. Who didn’t like the Ron Perlman “Hellboy” films? If this had been sent direct-to-DVD, David Harbour’s casting in the title role might’ve made more sense. However, it’d still be a dreary, cheap mess. It’s bad. It’s very, very bad with a backstory-heavy plot making the whole thing practically unwatchable and completely inert. Lots of violence, but no interest outside of Ian McShane.

Rating: D