Review: Virgin Witch

Two sisters (Ann and Vicki Michelle) try to make it as models in London. Well, it’s really just Ann it seems who has that ambition. Whilst Vicki is pre-occupied with a new man (Keith Buckley), Ann falls in with a modelling agency run by lesbian Patricia Haines. After Haines takes Ann’s…um…measurements, Haines says she needs Ann to fill in at the last minute on a modelling job at a country estate for the weekend. Being that Ann isn’t a complete idiot, she takes sister Vicki along for support/protection. The carefree Ann isn’t exactly shy about her body, and happily poses nude for photographer James Chase once she relaxes. Meanwhile, Vicki explores the estate and runs into doctor Neil Hallett, the owner of the estate. You probably think there’s going to be some coupling going on here, but as the title suggests, there’s something far more sinister in the plans here this weekend.

 

Tigon British were a fairly short-lived production/distribution company that never quite competed with Hammer or Amicus in the horror game. “Witchfinder General” and the non-horror “Hannie Caulder” are obvious standouts for the company, but their output as a production company was less than 20 films in number (1973’s “The Creeping Flesh” being their last film as a production company). This 1972 Ray Austin (a director of mostly American TV shows like “Magnum P.I.” and “Zorro”) horror pic is not on the level of those two films, but still a little better than I’d expected. Quite little-known, it’s certainly not dull.

 

Scripted by Hazel Adair under the male pseudonym Klaus Vogel (though some sources strangely suggest TV producer Beryl Vertue is the one using Vogel as a pen name), the film has a little bit of something, even if no one here is quite talented enough to create a satisfying whole. I liked the conspiratorial nature of it, and the use of a modelling agency as essentially a way to recruit virgins for witch-y sacrifices is kind of fun. It’s hardly “Rosemary’s Baby” or even “The Devil Rides Out”, but it’s not worthless either. I must say though, that it’s a bit odd that the girls figure out the majority of the plot fairly early on, but don’t seem terribly unnerved by it. They’re not idiots, but I did wonder why they bothered sticking around at all. However, there’s enough twisting and turning going on that it’s hardly dull.

 

My biggest gripe is with the needless padding from a crap nightclub singer. It’s not warranted, it’s not wanted. Although he’s the most recognisable name in the cast (at least to me), I can’t say Keith Buckley or his standard boyfriend character were of much interest to me, either. Still, if you’re looking for a bit of sleazy fun and an occult conspiracy bent, the film gives you some basic entertainment on that level, if not terribly well-made. You pretty much know what you’re in for when the opening credits play over still images of the lead actresses topless. Classy stuff. In fact, plot-wise and nudity-wise you’d swear this was a Brit attempt at a Jesus Franco film. Even the music score has a Franco vibe to it. Like a Franco film it’s also good-looking and with nice scenery. And I’m not just talking about the Michelle sisters’ tits.

 

I will now begin to talk about the Michelle sisters’ tits (Look, it’s that kind of film, and requires this level of serious critique. i.e. Very little seriousness at all).

 

Fans of the classic Brit sitcom “Allo Allo” will no doubt be familiar with Vicki Michelle, however her lesser-known sister Ann is pretty much the star of this one, and the most frequently and explicitly naked. Seriously, the first 20 minutes is choc-a-block full of Ann Michelle’s boobs, with her showing even more than that at around the 30 minute mark. Lovely. Unfortunately, Vicki (whose nudity is mostly at a distance) is the much, much better actress, and Ann has the much, much bigger role. For the record, both actresses have disowned the film, which is a shame because it’s far from terrible or embarrassing. Things eventually get all kinds of stupid, sexy, crazy fun as Ann gets naked and oiled up with pervy doctor Neil Hallett (a TV veteran who gets to be all wild-eyed and ridiculous by the finale) as a bunch of random naked people (and co-star Patricia Haines, in probably the least crap performance) dance weirdly and nakedly. It’s not as erotic or explicit as a Franco film, but certainly more than Hammer would allow. The climactic freak-out orgy is really something, even more outrageous and nutty than the first ceremony.

 

The performances are mostly a bit crap, but the conspiratorial plot and general sleaziness carries this one a reasonable distance. It’s in no universe a good film. In fact, it’s pretty bloody stupid, so I can’t really defend it artistically. However, it’s a fairly enjoyable piece of sleaze for those inclined to enjoy such things. The film’s got something, even if most of that something is nudity, so my rating is more indicative of entertainment value than overall cinematic quality.

 

Rating: C+