Review: Cats

A bunch of singing cats introduce themselves as they vie for some kind of honour bestowed upon them by a revered, geriatric cat named Old Deuteronomy (Dame Judi Dench, in a role originated by Brian Blessed, of all people). Meanwhile, the dastardly Macavity (Idris Elba) is lurking about trying to get an edge in the competition by kidnapping his rivals. Other cats on show include weepy Grizabella (Jennifer Hudson), comical and portly Bustopher Jones (James Corden), chubby Jennyanydots (Rebel Wilson), Rum Tum Tugger (Jason Derulo), theatre ham Gus the Theatre Cat (Sir Ian McKellen), Growltiger (Ray Winstone), and the vixen-ish Bombalurina (Taylor Swift), an associate (or moll?) of Macavity. Our audience surrogate of-sorts is newcomer Victoria (Francesca Hayward), who gets welcomed into this weird little society by Munkustrap (Robbie Fairchild).

 

Y’all know I don’t like movie musicals, hell the only stage musical I’ve ever seen is the infamous flop “Starlight Express” (Zero memory of it. I would’ve been about 7 or 8 at the time, in my defence). Nonetheless I decided to give this 2019 film adaptation of the 1981 Andrew Lloyd Webber classic from director Tom Hooper (“The King’s Speech”, “Les Miserables”, the terrific “The Danish Girl”) and his co-writer Lee Hall (“Billy Elliot”, the dreadful “War Horse”, and subpar “Rocketman”) a go, mostly out of perverse curiosity. Could it possibly be as bad as the trailer looked? Could it possibly be the laughing stock that critics and audiences found it? Kind of, but for the most part it’s just boring and one-note. I’m sure the concept works a lot better on stage, but from my perspective, this film was 90 minutes of cats introducing themselves through song. Cats with very odd and lame-sounding names (And did they ever explain what in the actual fuck a ‘Jellicle’ cat was? What a weird term. I needed a Cat-to-English Phrase Book to fully understand this weird little film). It just doesn’t work as a film, there’s not enough story thrust to keep it going for 90 minutes. It’s almost the same exact scene played over and over, just with different faces and names. It’s not like all musicals have this problem, some manage to work as films and tell genuine stories (“Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory”, “Bedknobs and Broomsticks”, “Les Miserables” – two of which I love, the latter I enjoyed whenever Russell Crowe wasn’t singing).

 

The cast looks pretty damn impressive on paper, but for the most part they pretty much embarrass themselves. One or two of the performances are OK – pop star Jason Derulo fares well in the movie musical genre. He brings lots of energy and fun to his big number (one of only two songs I liked in the film. The other being the opener. What, were you expecting a different song to be my favourite? More on that song later). I even think his cockney accent is underrated. Strangely enough, I also enjoyed smug talk show host James Corden. I probably enjoyed him even more than Derulo, to be honest. I’ve never found him funny or entertaining before this, so it’s a bit of a surprise to me. Sir Ian McKellen sings about as well as Peter O’Toole (i.e. Badly), but the obvious fun he’s having here actually is enough to make you forget his vocal limitations. However, that’s about it for niceties in the casting department, I’m afraid. I don’t think I’ll ever get over the sight of Dame Judi Dench cocking her leg. I’m sorry, but there’s something a little undignified about it. I would’ve much preferred Brian Blessed to reprise the role he played on stage (partly because I just love the guy). Apparently Dame Judi was set to appear in the original version back in 1981, but injured herself and was replaced. So I guess she was determined to get into the production in some way somehow in any role. Ray Winstone playing a gruff cockney cat is pretty embarrassing too, to be honest. Rock bottom, anyone? Well, he doesn’t cock his leg so perhaps not quite. As for Taylor Swift, she certainly has the sexy part down pat from a visual standpoint (even in CGI cat form – I’m weird, OK?), but her ‘bad cat’ performance is the side of Tay-Tay I can’t stand – the over-the-top, corny, precocious ‘Shake it Off’ side. It’s clearly too much of a stretch for her to play a vamp, and the attempt at a cockney accent is a big no from me, honey. Rebel Wilson changes up her ‘chubby bogan’ comic repertoire by playing a chubby bogan…cat. Whatever supposed comic talent the woman has, I’m entirely unable to ascertain it. It’s the worst kind of desperation comedy to me. She seems really lovely in real-life interviews so I keep wanting to give her a chance, but it’s the same act over and over, and if you don’t get it you don’t get it, I suppose (I’m sure a lot of people feel the same way about vintage Chevy Chase). Her first song is an abysmal song and dance routine with ghastly singing mice accompanying her. I wasn’t overly fussed with Idris Elba either, somehow making sinister seem rather sleepy and dull.

 

Jennifer Hudson should’ve knocked it out of the park and on to the Oscar and Grammy stage here singing the one genuinely great song from the musical – ‘Memory’, the one even people who haven’t seen the musical know. The fact that she doesn’t register much at all in the film is a true and disappointing oddity. Hudson does an…OK job of it. If you’re given a song like ‘Memory’, you should be a lot more than just OK. She doesn’t over-sing it like she can occasionally be accused of, it’s almost the reverse. Hudson and the song just don’t soar and ‘Memory’ always soars. I’m not sure what the issue is (Perhaps it’s that the character is pretty much off to the side for much of the film’s length, which doesn’t help with any kind of emotional connection), but it’s an issue nonetheless. The no-namers in the cast aren’t any better, I’m afraid. Francesca Hayward (apparently a trained ballerina) is fairly blank in the lead, as is her male co-lead Robbie Fairchild. Given the rather passive nature of Hayward’s role, it doesn’t really help her stand out I guess. I will say though, that Hayward’s brief bit during ‘Memory’ is actually more pleasant to the ear than any of Hudson’s part of the song. Strange given one’s a ballerina and the other a multiple award-winning singer/actress.

 

So let’s take the piss out of the FX work now. Oh boy is this ever a free kick. I don’t know who to really blame here – I mean, the director has final say on everything surely, so Hooper probably deserves ultimate blame. However, someone in that FX department really ought to have been considering the overall scale and consistency of the FX work, because it’s embarrassingly out-of-whack through the whole thing. From literally within seconds until the very end. Also, if one goes by the size of all the props and buildings, one is to assume that this is set in a world with humans, where the hell are they? Like a lot of things story-related here, it’s left unexplained. I don’t actually think it’s as big of a problem as the lack of plot, but nonetheless it’s certainly the most immediately noticeable. The FX work here is absolutely shoddy and the film really shouldn’t have been released in this state. The scenery is pretty and colourful, but even in the stage version I find the cat costumes and makeup quite awkward, and awkward is definitely the word here. And creepy. Put aside the visual issues, and what really bothered me was how flat-out creepy these cats acted, all ominous and weirdly stilted in their delivery.

 

The FX are embarrassingly out of whack, but what surprised me here is that what I thought would be an hilariously bad film is mostly just a plotless bore. It’s not quite as bad as expected, perhaps. Make no mistake however, it’s still a bad film and for all of the reasons you’ve already heard. It’s just that the biggest reason is that there’s simply not enough of an actual story being told. It’s tedious and one-note.

 

Rating: D+