Review: Underworld

An innocent human (Scott Speedman) gets thrust into a centuries-old battle between vampires and Lycans (werewolves). A vampire named Selene (Kate Beckinsale) angers her own kind by protecting the man, who seems to be specifically targeted by Lycan leader Lucian (Michael Sheen). Shane Brolly and Sophia Myles play vampires, Bill Nighy plays a particularly ancient vampire, and Wentworth Miller appears briefly as a doctor.

 

I avoided this blue-hued vampires vs werewolves nonsense for decades. I really should’ve kept on ignoring it. Directed by Len Wiseman (the stock “Die Hard 4.0”, the awfully dull “Total Recall” remake), this popular 2003 action/horror hybrid is idiotic, mopey and boring. It’s the kind of over-stylised shit I hate more often than not, with Kate Beckinsale and her singular pouty facial expression firing two guns like a John Woo flick less than 5 minutes in. Why are vampires firing guns anyway? Yeah I know, silver bullets and all that, but still it seems silly. Too silly. As is sometimes the case, the centuries-old flashbacks suggest a more interesting film than the one we actually get. The storytelling here is especially clumsy.

 

The werewolves are kinda cool CGI creations for 2003, but the monochromatic look has this seeming like a piss-poor “Sin City” with “Matrix”-lite action scenes. Actually, in a way it’s like “Twilight” re-designed as an action/horror hybrid (albeit several years before the first “Twilight” film was released). Kate Beckinsale and Scott Speedman are terminally boring romantic leads, the former chokes on her dialogue and seems to have the tiniest fangs ever. They surely can’t be terribly efficient. Future sparkly vampire Michael Sheen lacks any menace whatsoever as the leader of the werewolves, he’s just plain stupid. Meanwhile, an actor named Shane Brolly manages to be even worse which is quite an achievement. On the plus side Sophia Myles at least seems to have a pulse as a ravenous vampire, and Bill Nighy effortlessly steals the entire thing. He invests his lines with more life and gravitas than they deserve. That said, it’s not really worth stealing this one.

 

I have no idea why this one has fans, let alone several sequels. It’s silly as hell, and for an action movie incredibly dull. For any kind of movie it’s a real mess. Leads Beckinsale and Speedman are utterly charmless. The screenplay is by Danny McBride, from a story by McBride, Wiseman, and deep-voiced co-star Kevin Grevioux.

 

Rating: D

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Review: Hellraiser (2022)

Recovering junkie Odessa A’zion accompanies scuzzy boyfriend Drew Starkey on a break-in where all they find is a weird puzzle box. A’zion later opens the box and after some weird shit happens, A’zion and Starkey figure it might be a good idea to learn more about this messed up trinket. Goran Visnjic plays a millionaire who possessed the box before our protagonist nicked it.   Is there any point in remaking/rebooting “Hellraiser” when the 1987 adaptation of Clive Barker’s original text was written and directed by Barker himself? And is considered a horror classic? On evidence here, absolutely not. Directed by David Bruckner ( “The Signal” ) and scripted by Ben Collins ( “The Night House” ) and Luke Piotrowski (ditto) this is an entirely tedious affair. I took a long time to get on board with the 1987 “Hellraiser” , I have to admit. It was wildly imaginative and original, like a nightmare transplanted on to film. However, the characters were stone cold and left me similarly chil...
Read more

Review: Cinderella (1950)

The story of poor young Cinderella (voiced by Ilene Woods), treated as a servant by her nasty stepmother (voiced by Eleanor Audley), and dismissed by her thoroughly rotten, ugly stepsisters. Her only friends are a group of mice, who are forever being menaced by a cat named Lucifer (or as I call him, Grumpy Cheshire Cat). The King (hoping to find a wife for his charming son) is throwing a ball and every available young woman is invited to attend, and Cinderella is most excited to go. However, her stepmother and stepsisters do all they can to prevent this from happening. But with help from the mice and one fairy godmother (voiced by Verna Felton) later, and Cinderella looks set to attend the ball. You know the rest, folks.   Lovely 1950 Disney animated movie from directors Clyde Geronimi ( “Peter Pan” , “Lady and the Tramp” ), Wilfred Jackson ( “Fantasia” , “Alice in Wonderland” , “Peter Pan” ) & Hamilton Luske ( “Pinocchio” , “Fantasia” , “Peter Pan” ), that is a bit t...
Read more

Review: Jinnah

The story of Mohammed Ali Jinnah (Sir Christopher Lee) the politically moderate founder of Pakistan. A Muslim lawyer, Jinnah fought to form a separate nation from India for the Muslim minority, whilst Mahatma Gandhi (Sam Dastor) wished for India to stay united and proposed Jinnah as the new PM as a compromise. James Fox plays British viceroy Lord Mountbatten, Indira Varma plays Jinnah’s wife, and veteran bit player Vernon Dobtcheff plays a British dignitary.   Although Christopher Lee’s title performance received some critical notice and the actor himself was very proud of the work, this modestly budgeted 1998 biopic from director Jamil Dehlavi ( “Immaculate Conception” with Melissa Leo) and co-writer Farrukh Dhondy ( “Red Mercury” with Stockard Channing and Ron Silver) was largely ignored at the time and still very little-known today. Part of that is probably due to the poor marketing of the film, and difficulty in finding a distributor. It’s hard to get people to talk abo...
Read more