Review: The Coolangatta Gold

Gruff dad Nick Tate is training his eldest son Colin Friels to take part in the title iron man race that is an insane endurance test up and down the Gold Coast coastline, and encompassing running, canoeing, and swimming. Younger son Joss McWilliam, barely earning cash as a music promoter wants in on the race too, which dad came in an agonising second in 1960. Dad doesn’t want a bar of this, Friels is the winner in the family, as he sees it, living vicariously through his favourite son. Friels, for his part, tries to be a little more supportive of baby brother, but doesn’t take him too seriously, riling McWilliam up even more. Meanwhile, mum Robyn Nevin (a most ubiquitous actor of stage and screen, both small and large) tries to keep the peace between all parties. Josephine Smulders plays the super-dedicated aspiring ballet dancer whom McWilliam is sweet on, whilst Melissa Jaffer is her teacher. Future “Family Feud” host Rob Brough (he of the golden hair and glowing smile) does the announcing on the big race.

Astonishingly clichéd 1984 Igor Auzins (who directed over 30 episodes of the groundbreaking Aussie cop show “Homicide”) sports movie tries to be the Aussie, iron man equivalent of “Rocky”, right down to an awful score by Bill Conti (“Rocky”, “The Karate Kid”, “Escape to Victory”), but it’s hilariously botched at every point. It did however spawn a now popular real-life contest, first staged here with the actors’ scenes filmed around the real-life competition. Remarkable, but true.

In the leads, Friels is tragically miscast- does he look even remotely like an athlete to you? A cop, sure, but an athlete? Don’t make me laugh! McWilliam, whilst suitably tanned and brawny, was just not up to snuff in this point in his career (He’s improved slightly over the years in several Aussie TV shows). Nevin is sadly given short shrift as their mother, a totally underwritten part. Worst of all is Nick Tate, in the most ghastly, frothing-at-the-mouth portrayal of an overly pushy father you’re ever likely to see. The brilliant Aussie comedy show “The Late Show” clearly (and hilariously) poked fun at the film and Tate’s dreadful ham-and-cheese effort with their “Bermagui Bronze” parody sketch, but the film itself is even funnier. I mean, the training scenes are terribly overdone, Tate’s tree-chopping scenes make one wonder if he’s going to wrestle a grizzly bear in the next scene, and we even get a godawful appearance by large-nosed media personality and saxophonist Wilbur Wilde, botching Tim Finn’s ‘Fraction Too Much Friction’ (With Wilde on vocal duties!).

McWilliam’s character really takes the cake- band manager, karate student, wannabe ironman- what the hell does this kid want to do with his life? He’s so aimless you just want to slap the shit out of him. His coming-of-age story/romance angle with aspiring ballerina Smulders is clichéd, and neither actor has a clue what they’re doing in front of the camera. Real-life iron man legend Grant Kenny turns up as himself, painted just short of being a villain. Sadly, he gets barely a word of dialogue, though maybe the guy just couldn’t act. And let’s face it, he pales in comparison to Tate, whose character is borderline psychotic. Like I mentioned earlier, I kept expecting him to beat the living shit out of someone or something. ‘Stage Dad’ doesn’t even cover it!

A truly terrible film (and a big expensive flop at the time) that not even fans of the sport (or the real-life event that this film actually gave birth to) can possibly defend. It’s one of the worst Australian films I’ve ever seen. The screenplay is by Peter Schreck (Auzins’ previous “We of the Never Never”) from a Ted Robinson story. Nice Gold Coast scenery, and it’s the kind of image of Australia that does deserve to be seen (instead of the same old outback nonsense) more often on the big screen, but not so terribly as it’s done here.

Rating: D