Review: Paintball

Review: Paintball

A bunch of risk-takers, adrenaline junkies and assorted other semi-pros beforehand unknown to one another, are dropped into a forest (somewhere in Spain, I think) to have some simulated battlefield fun, and a few giant bruises here and there. Unfortunately, someone has decided to turn the tables on them and starts picking them off one-by-one using real bullets, resulting in real deaths. And real boredom. Stupidly, they also start to turn on each other too.

Paintball always looks like it’d be fun to try out, but being a paraplegic (and, to be honest, also a pacifist), I can’t see there being much chance of me doing it. I do know this, though: It makes for an awful spectator sport. Based on this 2009 flick from director Daniel Benmayor (his directorial debut), Paintball also makes for an awful horror film too.

The characters aren’t distinguishable enough from one another to be considered even stereotypes, they’re frequently wearing masks too which just makes things even tougher. Worse still, not a single one of them is remotely likeable, and for a film where the characters are meant to be strategically hiding, they sure do shout a helluva lot, almost begging to be killed, really. I’m so sick of horror films where characters deal with an effed up situation by yelling and swearing insultingly at one another. One or two characters? Fine, that’s realistic. But all of them? That’s just annoying. Honestly, I can’t think of a single bigger problem in horror movies of the last 10 years than the lack of interesting, likeable, or relatable characters. When will filmmakers, especially horror filmmakers, learn that character is key? If you don’t have recognisable and charismatic stars, you really need to at least give us solid characters to invest in. Why should I care about a situation if I don’t care about the characters in that situation? Surely that’s one of the first things a screenwriter would be taught? Has the writer not seen “Aliens” or “Predator”? Those films gave us ‘types’ who were nonetheless vivid, colourful, and interesting. The characters here are one-dimensional selfish thrill-seekers, and I just didn’t relate to or find interest in them at all, especially when they were still carrying around their paintball guns once someone with a real gun and real bullets started picking them off. I mean, that’s just beyond stupid. I know that paintball bullets hurt, but c’mon, carrying around those things doesn’t help once the fit hits the shans. Screenwriter  Mario Schoendorff barely even seems to have tried here.

My second biggest gripe would be cinematography, though it’s not just the horror genre that features shaky-cam and blue-filtered cinematography like this film, but nonetheless it adds to this film’s problems just the same. I know that the shaky-cam is there for FPS game enthusiasts, but I don’t play those games (they make me far woozier than FP-based, shaky-cam films do, actually) and it just announces the camera’s presence to me in a way that takes me out of the film. This reaches a ludicrous zenith when the camera shakes for a panning shot of someone who isn’t even in motion! What the hell? Whoever lensed and lit this thing should themselves be taken out and shot (real bullets, too) because shooting things at what looks to be 4:30PM and then adding a dark blue filter over it all just makes this supremely ugly to watch (And it looks constantly 4:30PM, suggesting the film was shot somewhere around the Bermuda Triangle or a time warp or something). It’s already confusing enough that now the image has to be so dark that you can barely see a thing. The only bonus of this darkened image is that the camouflaged characters further blend into the scenery, but that doesn’t make it fun to look at. I will say, though, that when the camera stops shaking, it occasionally gives off a creepy vibe, with the shots through trees and grass that I always love seeing. But the shaking is almost constant, and frankly to me it’s unnecessary.

The film is actually like a crap version of “Wilderness”, with juvenile delinquents replaced with bone-headed thrill-seekers, and a midway twist that kinda rips off “The Most Dangerous Game”. Sadly, it’s not even gory, which might’ve been the only merit for a horror film about paintball. In fact, some of the violence is actually off-screen.

Seriously, this film is like 15-20 minutes of annoying people shouting, arguing, and freaking out, and the rest is just stalk and shoot. None of it is remotely involving. Occasionally good shot composition and a good use of sound can’t save an otherwise dire experience. Go out and play Paintball yourself instead.

Rating: D