Review: Return to Oz

Dorothy (Fairuza Balk) is still obsessed with Oz, and is having trouble sleeping Aunt Em (Piper Laurie) and Uncle Henry (Matt Clark) take her to the mental asylum run by Dr. Worley (Nicol Williamson) to be treated. Dorothy doesn’t like this cold place, nor Dr. Worley’s scary psychiatric electroshock therapy machinery, and decides to do a runner. She accidentally falls into a river, and the next thing she knows, she’s back in Oz! Unfortunately, the once magical land of Oz has changed since Dorothy was last there. The Yellow Brick Road is no more. Her old friends apparently rounded up and imprisoned or turned to stone. Oz is now a run-down, ruinous place ruled by the Nome King (Williamson again). Dorothy finds herself menaced by the evil witch Mombi (Jean Marsh), and her freakish minions, The Wheelers. On Dorothy’s side are her talking chicken companion Billina, mechanical soldier Tik Tok, Jack Pumpkinhead (who is Mombi’s amiable stepson of-sorts), and The Gump, an animated moose head attached to a sofa that is given the ability to fly. Seriously. Dorothy must find the Nome King’s domain and save her friends, and Oz itself.

I have a history with this film, my earliest cinema-going memory. On original release, I was taken to see it at the cinemas around age 5 or 6, and it scared me right out of the cinema crying. I did the same thing watching “The Goonies”, apparently, but that one has become one of my all-time favourite films. I’m not even sure if I had seen the film again until just recently, at the age of 32. I didn’t scream or cry during my revisit of this 1985 film from director/co-writer Walter Murch (best known as an editor), but I am still convinced that this is The Film That Hates Children. Whether seen as a direct sequel to “The Wizard of Oz” or not (Murch claims not, but he might just be covering his arse), it is a joyless travesty to the “Oz” legacy and as far as I’m concerned, wholly unsuitable for children. I’ve heard that some didn’t have the experience I did, and many who actually did, but even watching this again in my 30s, I can’t for the life of me see how any child could be entertained by this cold, ugly, and thematically troubling film.

Based on the novels The Marvellous Land of Oz and Ozma of Oz by the original author L. Frank Baum, I have no idea whether it is faithful to the texts or not, but I do know that I felt like my childhood had been raped by this film. I was particularly offended by even the smallest hint that Dorothy’s previous adventures in Oz were the result of a psychiatric disorder. The film ultimately doesn’t go down that route, but even bringing it up at all, who the fuck thought that this was appropriate in a children’s film? If this film wasn’t intended for children, then don’t call it Return to Fucking Oz, because with that title, there are certain expectations of wonderment, magic, and childhood fantasies and adventures. This is a childhood nightmare (literally, for me). I think on the one hand it’s interesting to see an Oz gone to ruin and darkness, but on a kiddie level, it sucks. It’s absolutely no fun. I also don’t see why anyone would wait 46 years to give us another “Oz” film and have this be the end result. Forget whether it’s a good children’s film or not for a second, it’s just a poor film of any genre. Is this really the best they could do?

The film starts out ominously when we find out that Dorothy’s Aunt and Uncle are played by Piper Laurie and the perennially nervous-looking Matt Clark. If my primary caregiver was Carrie’s mum, I’d run off to a magical land of midgets and talking tin cans too! Laurie’s actually one of the better things in the film, but you’re still always on edge, waiting for her to start thumpin’ a bible or something. Fairuza Balk, aged 11 at the time (and looks about 8 or 9) hasn’t got a chance here. She’s certainly a million miles away from Judy Freakin’ Garland, not to mention a good 6 years younger than Garland was in 1939. That’s right, Dorothy got younger! So does the Yellow Brick Road have a Fountain of Youth kind of ability? Or is The Wizard just a really good plastic surgeon? A slightly Freudian Nicol Williamson is good as the psychiatrist (and he also plays the Nome King), but it’s with his scenes that I really started to have a problem. That scary-looking electroshock machine was one of the first things to unsettle me back in 85, I’m pretty sure. It looks positively demonic, and what purpose does it serve in a children’s film? Certainly no good purpose. These early passages of the film give off a vibe more akin to doing a psychodrama variant of “Jane Eyre”, totally wrong for anything containing “Oz” in the title (Yes, even the prison series). I’m sorry, but this is as child-friendly as “Flowers in the Attic”. Tonally this film is just too dark too often from the get-go, and it never recovers or offers much respite.

The film has seriously awful animation FX, even by 1985 standards, and it’s no wonder why it hasn’t been shown on TV much over the years. The Claymation rock-faces were much ballyhooed at the time (and earned an Oscar nomination for Will Vinton), but are the worst special FX in the entire film. By comparison, the change from sepia tone to Technicolour in the original is ILM-standard stuff (Fun fact: ILM did work on the film. Not very hard, though, it seems). Once the Wheelers turned up, I must say, dear reader, that the nightmares started flooding back. That electroshock machine stirred up vague recollections in my mind, but the Wheelers are still scary and freakish to me now. The actors playing them give off a Rik Mayall vibe at times, which probably explains why they’re so freaky. The mechanical soldier, Tik Tok, and talking chicken (who sounds like a talking parrot, I might add) are among the more enjoyable things here, but not enough to bring the film out of the bowels of hell. And then I revisited the moment where I, at age 5 or 6, basically lost my shit for real. Mombi, played admittedly effectively by Jean Marsh, is truly the stuff of nightmares. So profoundly a nightmarish effect did she have on me, that I realised this time something rather odd this time: In my mind all these years, I’ve confused my first grade teacher, Mrs. McLachlan, with Mombi. That is to say, because I was in the first grade around this time, and both my awful teacher and Mombi kinda scared me, in the passage of time, I seem to have confused Jean Marsh and Mrs. McLachlan (a total cow who constantly treated me like she didn’t want a physically disabled student in her class) for the same person. I assume I’m wrong and they probably looked nothing alike, but it was pretty interesting to uncover that long-held misconception after all these years. I was a weird and imaginative kid, OK? Anyway, with that slightly relevant side-trip into my bizarre mind out of the way, back to Mombi herself. I’m sorry, but a woman who switches heads is too fucking much for a 5-6 year old. My God, I don’t even know what is scarier, the headless body, or all those heads. Actually I do know, which: The heads. That’s because the precise moment I started crying like a baby is when one of those heads suddenly comes to life. Scary as hell as a kid, let me tell you. And then Mombi threatens to take of Dorothy’s head and use it for her own! That is just completely inappropriate, and frankly, extremely disturbing.

Aside from Tik Tok, there is simply no joy or sense of fun in any of this, for children or adults, for that matter, who will likely be bored out of their minds. Jack Pumpkinhead isn’t any better than Mombi, I’m afraid. Scarecrows scare crows, Pumpkinheads scare children, especially children who watch “Pumpkinhead”. It’s a cool puppet, but somewhat unsettling. Actually, the Scarecrow does turn up in this at one point, and being a puppet this time, it’s the scariest thing you’ll ever see in your entire life. It will haunt you as you sleep.

This is closer to “Pan’s Labyrinth” (a fine film not really aimed at kids) than “The NeverEnding Story” or “Pinocchio”, which were films that had scary parts but a lot of wonderful fantasy, magic, and fun. This film is a nightmare, and a pretty boring one at that. It contains no magic, no beauty, no charm, and no damn fun. It’s not even terribly colourful, aside from the ruby red slippers that the Nome King sports at one point (Is this what led Williamson to drink?). The shithouse ending is far too rushed, not to mention a rip-off of “Star Wars”. Worst of all, The Cowardly Lion is just a standard-issue lion, not even a talking one like Aslan. How do we know he’s cowardly then? He’s also a well below par Jim Henson-like puppet, I might add (And indeed Brian Henson did do the Jack Pumpkinhead design and voice). It’s so bad, you’re only able to see the top of its head. Budget cutbacks? I did read on IMDb that the Cowardly Lion, Scarecrow, and Tin Man were largely written out due to budget cutbacks, but that lion looks terrible. It looks like something that wouldn’t even cut it on “Fraggle Rock”. Beloved dog Toto, meanwhile, is a lucky bastard, only turning up for a cameo and saved the torture of a trip back to Oz. I guess he read the script.

This is awful and nightmarish, and one must assume that it reads better in Baum’s text than it appears on the screen. Some might admire the film in principle for going for a different vibe and that the tone is far more reminiscent of Baum than “The Wizard of Oz” was. However, anyone who actually watches the film surely must agree that it is a black stain on not only Walt Disney but the “Oz” brand, in terms of quality. Don’t mess with a classic folks, just don’t do it. The screenplay is by Gill Dennis (“Riders of the Purple Sage”) and Murch himself, who are clearly two sick puppies.

Rating: D+