Review: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

The children of Mars feel miserable and neglected at Christmastime (Having been raised on Earth TV programming), and so the elders of Mars, led by Kimar (Leonard Hicks) and his distasteful cohort Voldar (Vincent Beck) decide to kidnap Santa Claus (John Call) and bring him to Mars. No, I’m not kidding. They even kidnap a couple of Earth kids too, in case they rat them out...or something. Bill McCutcheon plays the aptly named Martian Dropo, who is a bit light in the head and always screwing things up by accident.

Christmas is full of TV specials and films dedicated to the holiday, and I have a select few things I try to watch every year. Lots of people I know watch “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation”, and whilst I enjoy that one, I prefer the trio of “The Muppet Christmas Carol”, “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” (though any other Rankin/Bass stop-motion special will suffice), and this 1964 oddity from director Nicholas Webster (who directed episodes of “Mannix”, “Get Smart”, and “The Waltons”) and writer Glenville Mareth (mercifully his only credit). I’m a sick bastard, OK?

I get the feeling that everyone involved might’ve intended this film to be a harmless kids film for the holidays (it even has the future Uncle Wally from “Sesame Street” Bill McCutcheon mugging away), but there’s one small problem: It’s one of the worst films ever made. A staple of many Worst Films of All-Time lists (including my own, at #9 and in between “Killers From Space” and “Navigator: A Medieval Odyssey”), this is a one-of-a-kind experience that might’ve been tolerable for kids as a 30 minute cartoon, but as feature-length, live-action it’s a cheap rip-off and deadly stuff.

If you’ve ever wondered why aliens are yet to make first contact with us, this film might explain why: They’re fucking morons who couldn’t find their arses with their antennae. Given how cheap this all looks, I wouldn’t trust the quality control coming from Santa’s Workshop either, and since the elves working for him look like little kids, one has to wonder if Santa’s Workshop wasn’t really a sweat shop! At the very least, they’re dwarves with fake pointy ears, which is enough to send Tolkien purists into apoplexy. Actually, there’s something fishy going on with all these Martian children anyway. Kemar’s kids don’t look very happy whenever their dad walks into a room, and I doubt very much whether it was pushing buttons all day that gave Santa a tired finger. I know, bad taste, but watch this film and tell me you don’t end up thinking the same things. There’s just something ‘off’ about it all. Then again, we’re talking about a movie about Martians kidnapping Santa, not to mention a movie with a putrid title song called ‘Hooray for Santy Claus’. Yes, Santy Claus. Even Burl Ives couldn’t have done much with that noxious little ditty.

Even if you accept this nonsense as tongue-in-cheek fare for the juvenile set, one still has to put up with the irritating performances by John Call and Bill McCutcheon, as well as one of the worst performances of all-time from Vincent Beck. I’m all praises for “Sesame Street”, but 20 seconds of McCutcheon’s work as Dropo and his comic stylings will have you yearning for the subtle acting of Jim Freakin’ Nabors. Shazam! I don’t normally find murder acceptable, but for Dropo, one might make an exception. He makes Jar-Jar Binks innocuous by comparison. Most irritating film character of all-time? Certainly he’s a contender.

Fun fact: Martians with facial hair (Vincent Beck) look ten times as ridiculous and are even worse actors than those without facial hair. Their helmets look like shithouse art projects too. Leonard Hicks isn’t exactly Laurence Olivier or anything, but he sure seems to have been inspired by the work of Charlton Heston with his vocal intonations. John Call must’ve paid the filmmakers to let him play Santa Claus here, either that or he boned the director. His performance is that dull, rather glum. In fact, he spends the whole film acting like he was just violently awoken from a nap. And this guy’s Santa? I know the dude works tirelessly, but where’s the holiday cheer? All credit to him and the other actors for one thing, though: They actually manage to keep straight faces throughout this shit, with Hicks and Beck deserving credit for not cutting up whilst engaging in the most incompetent and phony-looking fist-fight in cinematic history.

God this film is cheap, rivalling the work of Edward D. Wood Jr. (“Plan 9 From Outer Space”), at times. Forgive my crudeness, but the polar bear in this film is the most retarded thing I’ve ever seen on film, and I’ve seen Lou Ferrigno punch a guy in a shitty bear suit right into outer space! The giant robot is so cheap it wouldn’t even make it into the final cut of a “Godzilla” film. It’s the children I feel sorry for, that green makeup was probably a pain and I wouldn’t be surprised if it- and the film itself- scarred them for life.

Cheap, irritating, appallingly acted, and only fun on a derisive level. On any traditional level it’s one of the worst films of all-time, and mainstream audiences likely won’t care to see it. On a derisive level, it’s still one of the worst films of all-time, but might just also be worth watching if you’re in the mood for some unintentional fun. It’s one-of-a-kind at the very least, and there’s even a message...about turning off the TV sets...and...um...playing with Christmas presents or something? Yeah, beats me. Oh, and look out for the ‘Custume Designer’ credit. Hilarious.

Rating: F