Review: Cloud 9

Burt Reynolds plays an unscrupulous and allegedly charming scam artist who gets the genius idea of collecting an assorted group of strippers (African-American Kenya Moore, Hispanic tough girl Patricia de Leon, Foreign-accented Katheryn Winnick etc) and shape them into a beach volleyball team. Or at least look like that’s what he tells everyone, really he just wants to make megabucks with the least amount of actual volleyball being played. ‘Coz that would require far too much training, better to have them appear at big parties for a fee. Veteran stripper Angie Everhart, however, used to be a real player, and decides to help them out. The real volleyball players of course see right through Reynolds’ sham, just as everyone surely realises that team sponsor Mr. Wong is actually a Mexican named Juan who is passing himself off as Asian (really badly for supposed comic effect) so that he’ll be respected as a landscaper rather than simply a gardener. Paul Wesley and D.L. Hughley play Reynolds’ cohorts, the latter his adopted son who is a chauffeur, the former the stoner dude who sleeps on Reynolds’ couch in his trailer (roles that really ought to have been combined). Washed-up celebrities like Tom Arnold, Tony Danza, and Gary Busey appear as themselves, though Busey’s the only one given a scene that appears to have an intended joke attached (involving a poopy dog. I didn’t say it was a good joke).

 

Directed by Harry Basil (who directed something called “The 4^th Tenor” with the late Rodney Dangerfield), there’s a lot wrong with this 2006 volleyball comedy, and I’m not just talking about its inexplicable title. The two main flaws are a complete lack of laughs, and a plotline involving strippers and the beach, but absolutely no nudity or sex whatsoever. So what is there in its place? A tired, “Mighty Ducks”-esque sports story, some botched ethnic humour by hack ethnic comedian Paul Rodriguez (portraying two bad ethnic stereotypes for the price of one!), and a lot of piss-poor acting from just about everyone (Reynolds and Everhart aren’t bad, but seemingly bored out of their minds). Real beach volleyball pro Gabrielle Reece is especially bad in a horribly written role as the sour, bitter rival beach volleyball antagonist. The role is shockingly one-dimensional, but Reece really ought not give up her day job with her stone-faced line-readings. And this is a film that already stars Burt Reynolds.

 

Co-written by long-time Reynolds crony Albert S. Ruddy (co-writer of “Cannonball Run II”, producer of “The Godfather”...and the Rodney Dangerfield sports ‘comedy’ “Ladybugs”), there’s nothing here you haven’t seen before and a lot better. And the strippers don’t strip! I’m sorry, but that’s just entirely unforgiveable, especially when you’ve got Angie Everhart and Kenya Moore (one of the most beautiful and bodacious women on the planet) in the cast and nothing else worth a damn. What were they thinking when that decision was made? Did they expect us to take its attempts at rallying against the exploitation of women seriously? Then once again, why cast a bunch of women not especially well-versed in anything beyond looking good? (The one exception being perhaps Winnick, who has appeared in a number of films)

 

Poor Burt continues to piss away his comeback cred afforded him for “Boogie Nights” with another turd. Aside from “Evening Shade”, I just don’t think comedy is his ‘thing’.

 

Rating: D+