Review: Swiss Family Robinson (1960)

The title family find themselves shipwrecked on an island deserted save for wild animals. Eventually the Robinsons adapt to their new surroundings, and dad (Sir John Mills, flexing whatever he has instead of muscles) even builds a home in the trees. Meanwhile, the youngest Robinson (Kevin Corcoran) sets about trying to trap himself a wild animal (presumably out of some kind of idiotic death wish). Oh, and Mum Robinson (Dorothy McGuire) gets all depressed because she’s a useless homemaker stuck on an island without an oven (Don’t blame the author, blame the screenwriter, apparently she was far more useful in the novel). Cecil Parker and Janet Munro play a grandfather/granddaughter team who are set upon by vicious pirates (Led by Sessue Hayakawa). Brawny Fritz (James MacArthur) and brainy Ernst (Tommy Kirk) rescue the girl, squabble over her, and then join the rest of the family in preparing for the inevitable moment the pirates discover their island home.

 

This 1960 Ken Annakin (“Third Man on the Mountain”) family flick is a Disney favourite of many, but I’m not among that group. Scripted by Lowell S. Hawley (“Babes in Toyland”, “The One and Only”) from the 1813 novel by Johann Wyss, I found it twee, mostly uninteresting, and about as realistic as “Gilligan’s Island”. It doesn’t help that Sir John Mills, although giving an OK performance, is horribly miscast. His two eldest kids (James MacArthur and Tommy Kirk) look manlier than he does, in a role that really ought to have gone to a Rod Taylor or Kirk Douglas. Mills looks like the type who would get sea sick just reading Treasure Island. And why would anyone cast him in a role that requires him to be shirtless for most of it? My eyes! My eyes are burning!

 

There’s a perfectly fun family vs. pirates story in here somewhere, but they’ve chosen to focus on the twee family/animals stuff instead. That means we get idiotic scenes where the family races animals (sitting atop ostriches, zebras, and baby elephants), the nadir of the film. James MacArthur (faring best among the ‘youngsters’), a 23 year-old grown-arse man at the time, even races atop a Shetland freakin’ pony! These poor animals are not pets! A grown-arse man (and he ain’t small, either!) should not be riding a freakin’ Shetland pony! It also means one has to accept that all of these wild animals, many dangerous could co-exist with this family peacefully. Sure, after a while they build themselves a treehouse, but c’mon. I liked the first 20 minutes or so because the film goes out of its way to make the animals (several, by the way, are on the ship with the family to begin with) seem threatening. It really piles on the tension early. But once we get to the island, that seems to go, and it just seems like bullshit to me, fun as the animals are to watch. Being real animals certainly helps, but there’s too many of them in one place to be realistic. Want proof? Look at the scene where a trapped zebra is about to be pounced on by hyenas and vultures. Awesome animals (the zebra is cute as hell), but it’s too much.

 

However, it’s the family here that gave me the most problems. For starters, either the family looks too well-fed to be credible, or there’s way too much meat walking around on the island. I don’t think a diet of nuts, fruit, and grains is the answer here. Nope, someone just done fucked up and forgot to show us what they were eating (Not to mention that it looks like the treehouse gets built in a matter of hours, which is just ridiculous). This becomes especially problematic at the end, of which I’ll say no more. Once you’ve seen it, you’ll be screaming at the TV like I was, believe me.

 

The human characters themselves are really problematic. The youngest son, played by Kevin Corcoran in particular is an absolute disaster. Not only did the little shit’s constant shouting during the shipwreck drive me nuts, but the character is a thoroughly unlikeable, reckless little turd who deserved to be tiger food. His attempts to rope the various animals is not remotely endearing. It’s cruel, dangerous, and any harm that comes to him is his own stupid fault. This kid is one of the worst child characters I’ve ever encountered on film. Sadly, the women folk don’t get it much better. It might reveal the age and sexual politics of the original novel’s era, but there is a really poor depiction of women in this film. Dorothy McGuire gets it worst, cast as a woman who finds herself depressed and helpless because she’s out of her element here. She’s rendered pretty much useless, as you can tell that a woman absolutely did not write this. Janet Munro, meanwhile is saddled with the ‘girl pretending to be a boy’ cliché, before being the piece of meat brothers James MacArthur and Tommy Kirk basically squabble over. Yikes. Why don’t y’all just go get yourselves a couple of sodey pops and play something on the jukebox, you crazy mixed-up kids!

 

As I said, I liked the pirate stuff. The finale (a huge influence on George Lucas, as you can see in “Return of the Jedi”), whilst a bit silly, is the most exciting thing in the film. It should’ve been the whole film. I mean, you’ve got one of cinema’s greatest ever character actors in Cecil Parker and you keep him on the sidelines in favour of a family riding wild animals? As far as I was concerned, I wanted to see whatever movie Parker, the pirates and the native tribe (where the hell were they the rest of the film?) were making. The best things in the entire film are the music score by William Alwyn (“Odd Man Out”, “The Magic Box”, “The Winslow Boy”) and the terrific set design by Jack Stevens (“Octopussy”).

 

No, this film didn’t do much for me at all. The giant snake attack was pretty good, the first twenty minutes are tense, and the finale was also good fun. But overall, the animals and excellent scenery deserved a lot better than this twee nonsense that wants us to believe that two dogs can scare away a tiger. Yes, they’re big dogs, but the tiger is still winning that fight all day long. Gimme a break. This one just hasn’t held up well at all. And where was Robbie the Robot? (Thank you, thank you. I’m here all week).

 

Rating: C