Review: Emmanuelle 5

Emmanuelle (Monique Gabrielle) is in Cannes promoting a pretentious sex film, which is causing quite the stir. Emmanuelle herself causes quite the stir when slightly ‘handsy’ fans cause her clothes to be entirely torn off. She ends up on the boat of an unwitting and frankly nerdy-looking rich dude named Charles D. Foster, who is initially annoyed, but when he realises she has great tits, they fall in love. Hey, I’m just calling it as I see it, OK? It’s not like the script is any help. Anyway, after this sexcapade on the seas, Emmanuelle finds herself in some fictional country of a vaguely Arab, vaguely Bengladeshi nature, and arousing the interest of a local Prince (Yaseen Khan). He claims to be a big admirer of her, and wants to premiere the film locally. In reality, he’s a cruel and creepy bastard who wants to add Emmanuelle to his harem. Aside from a nosy but well-intentioned tabloid photographer, Emmanuelle’s only hope of escape/rescue may lie with the unshaven adventurer Eddie (Crofton Hardester), but Emmanuelle wants to free all of the other women too. And mow down lots of foreigners with a machine gun to boot.

 

I’m not sure what it’s like in any other version, but the version I saw of this 1987 flick from Polish-French director/co-writer Walerian Borowczyk (known for both live-action films and animated shorts) is a total dud, the worst film in the official “Emmanuelle” series I’ve seen to date. The version I saw was the New Horizons one (i.e. Producer Roger Corman), and as such it plays out much more like one of Corman’s Filipino-set ‘chicks and guns’ flicks than an “Emmanuelle” film. The difference is startling, obvious, and not appreciated. I have a lot of respect for Corman, but this is just woefully cobbled together, cheap-looking, and as a softcore sex film, practically useless.

 

The most interesting thing about the film are the end credits, which feature such notable names as Janusz Kaminski (Steven Spielberg’s go-to cinematographer) as a 2^nd Unit Camera Operator, Mauro Fiore (Cinematographer on “Avatar” and “Tears of the Sun”) as a key grip, and perhaps most tellingly, prolific schlock filmmaker (and Corman crony) Jim Wynorski as ‘Assistant to Ms. Gabrielle’ (He has directed films like “Piranhaconda”, “Ghoulies IV”, “The Haunting of Morella”, “Chopping Mall” and the upcoming “Sharkansas Women's Prison Massacre”). That, and a ‘Thank You’ credit to Penthouse Magazine say it all, really. It’s a cheap Americanised (despite a Polish director) T&A imitator of a French softcore product, and apparently the Corman cut is nothing like the original cut of the film.

 

Monique Gabrielle, an American, takes over the title role this time around and the T&A flick actress is easily the most beautiful Emmanuelle up until Krista Allen in the later “Emmanuelle” TV-movie series. She may have a generic Vanna White blonde vibe about her, but next to Allen, she’s the closest to my idea of beauty, certainly more so than the rather plain-looking, short-haired Sylvia Kristel. She lets it all hang out here, but unfortunately, that’s pretty much all she does. This really is a mid-80s titties and guns flick, Mr. Corman (who is strangely uncredited here) seems to think sexual relations are a bit icky. And since I, and presumably anyone reading this review, want on-screen sex and not just chicks firing machine guns, it’s a crushing disappointment.

 

The film gets off to a really rough start, with an appalling title song that is a wannabe 80s-era Bond theme gone wrong, and some really bad dubbing of Ms. Gabrielle for God knows what reason. The rest of the film isn’t dubbed, but the opening set piece in Cannes certainly is, and horribly done. The music is awful too, sounding like something out of a mediocre 80s sitcom. With all the boating and 80s soft rock music, I half expected Bertie Higgins to turn up. Look him up, kids. Emmanuelle isn’t even remotely the same person here, and I’m not talking some crazy plastic surgery thing, ala “Emmanuelle 4”. She’s more generic. However, at least she’s not moping about her marriage, ala “Goodbye, Emmanuelle”. Abysmally slow for such a short film, and Gabrielle’s frequent disrobing just isn’t enough compensation for a film that doesn’t really have that much sex, at least in this version. I mean, there’s one scene involving a makeshift dildo that has been so poorly butchered in this version that what was originally likely a Sapphically-inclined scene, now plays more like a masturbation scene.

 

There’s not much plot, really, it’s your standard harem story that eventually turns into, an action-oriented piece with a heavy dose of racism. I spent the entire film wishing Emmanuelle would get back home to her clearly sexually interested, lycra-wearing dancer girlfriend/roommate. Instead we have “Jewel of the Nile” with big tits. But even then, with such a large harem of stunningly beautiful women, we could’ve had a jolly good time here, but someone (be it the director, Corman, or whoever) decided that we didn’t deserve to have any fun, and so most of the women just stand around topless, and occasionally swimming nude. The sex, when it comes, is robotic and generic, and the whole damn thing is a rip-off.

 

Special mention must be made of the ludicrously named Crofton Hardester as the film’s low-rent Jack Burton/Indiana Jones. Seemingly an American actor, he’s one of the worst actors I’ve ever seen in my life, acting like he learned English phonetically. What the hell?

 

“The Pitiful Perils of Emmanuelle” is what the film really ought to have been called, it all adds up to a whole lot of nothing, and it certainly doesn’t have nearly enough sex, let alone feel like a real “Emmanuelle” film. The screenplay is by the director, Corman employee Howard R. Cohen (“Barbarian Queen”, “Deathstalker”, “Lords of the Deep” and several eps of “The Care Bears”!), and Alex Cunningham (his only screenplay), but who the hell knows how much of it was in the version I saw. I’ve read that Corman commissioned Steve Barnett to direct new scenes for his cut of the film, too.

 

Rating: D