Review: 40 Days and 40 Nights

Josh Hartnett hasn’t gotten over his ex-girlfriend (Vinessa Shaw) dumping him six months ago, and sleeping with ‘randoms’ isn’t helping any. When he learns that she has moved on, it’s the final straw. He comes up with an extreme solution to his problem: Inspired by the religious practise of Lent, he decides to abstain from all sexual contact (even with himself) for 40 days. When his best friend (Paulo Costanzo) and co-workers find out, they start up a website taking bets on how long Hartnett will last with this unlikely challenge. All manner of breastacled objects keep popping up, trying to throw themselves at Hartnett. Then he meets and falls for the pretty Shannyn Sossamon, and things start to get really awkward. Emmanuelle Vaugier plays one of the one-night stands, Griffin Dunne is Hartnett’s sleazy boss, Adam Trese is Hartnett’s trainee priest brother, Keegan Connor Tracy plays a horny co-worker, and Mary Gross (remember her?) is Hartnett’s mother.

 

Detestable, brain-dead, so-called romantic comedy from 2002, directed by the once promising Michael Lehmann (who burst on the scene with “Heathers”, and then fed us “Hudson Hawk”, “My Giant” and this) and scripted by Rob Perez (who has only written one feature film subsequently). The whole premise of this film is stupid, and it’s therefore no surprise that Perez’s resumé is thin. You don’t need to give up all sexual contact for 40 days to become mature. You just need to stop acting like a douche and start being mature. Stop putting your dick into every woman who will let you, that’s a good enough start. Better yet, forget about matters of the flesh and put more emphasis on being an all-round good person. Given the douchebags he works with and associates with, perhaps that is a bit too much to ask, but still, it’s a stupid, stupid premise for a romantic comedy. The fact that no one realised that this premise was pathetic is truly shocking and disheartening to me. But then, this is a film co-starring Griffin Dunne, an actor who made a film called “Me and Him”, about a man who talks to his penis. So perhaps no one here knew any better. No, this just plain sucks.

 

I just didn’t understand why Josh Hartnett’s ex getting married had anything to do with his taking up abstinence. I didn’t see the connection, and at one point, even his roommate (Paulo Costanzo) seems to point it out. Perhaps he was the only one who read the damn script. The premise is so stupid: Hartnett takes a voluntary vow of chastity when he finds out his ex is engaged. Then he falls in love. That last part is the film’s idea of conflict and drama. It makes Hartnett sound like a First World tool. There are kids starving in Africa, fuckstick and you’re kvetching over wanting to stick your John Thomas inside Shannyn Sossamon because you’ve needlessly and stupidly volunteered to try and keep your dick in your pants due to the nonsensical reason that your ex who you are no longer with is going to marry someone else, and now all of the meaningless one-night stands have become meaningless? SAY WHAT? It tries to make a profound statement out of something insultingly superficial, crass, and infantile. Congratulations, you’re not a man-whore anymore, you’ve matured! Um, except that you’re still constantly thinking about it and objectifying women with your eyes.

 

The character played by an atypically charmless, typically mumbling Hartnett is detestable. He’s small-minded, mind-numbingly single-minded, and self-absorbed to a seriously punchable level. He’s meant to be a nice guy who has come to loathe his lothario ways, but if that were true, he wouldn’t have been a lothario in the first place. Nope, not a nice guy, and although capable of being charming, I think Hartnett is miscast as a guy who would willingly go without sex, and at times, seem quite uncomfortable with the subject. The fact that he’s not a naturally funny guy doesn’t help, either. Shannyn Sossamon was, like Gretchen Mol and Natasha Gregson-Wagner, one of those ‘It Girl of the 90s’ actresses who just never panned out in the long run (Parker Posey is probably the one 90s ‘It Girl’ who has fared best longevity-wise, unless you count Natalie Portman perhaps). I never warmed to her, there was always something affectedly, wannabe-cool about her. She even wears a tie at one point. Only pretentious, wannabe hip women wear ties. I hate that type of girl, and it’s only partly because they refuse to date me. Yes Sossamon has amazing eyelashes and a nice (but overworked) smile, but who the hell cares about eyelashes? She’s a boring and forgettable actress. At least Hartnett usually had a kind of James Dean/Brando-esque charisma about him, Sossamon doesn’t have anything much at all. I have no idea what idiot decided that Sossamon should be the lead female and the thoroughly winning, frankly bloody wonderfully talented Maggie Gyllenhaal should play the smaller, best friend role, but they’re nuts. Gyllenhaal steals her every fleeting moment. She’s still a name actress in 2014, unlike Sossamon (whose acting range goes from smiling to bottom lip-biting). Just thought I’d point that out.

 

I mentioned conflict before, and the film throws a second source of conflict in for good measure…and it’s even more nonsensical. Hartnett’s co-workers have developed a website and are taking bets on when he will break his vow. When Sossamon finds out she’s mad at him. WHAT? WHY? It’s already dumb enough that Sossamon (whose job is to block porn sites) finds out about the website because it’s hosted by a porn site, but there is absolutely no good goddamn reason for Sossamon to be upset with Hartnett over this, other than the fact that his vow of abstinence is founded on a reason that makes no goddamn sense in the first place. She’s already perplexed by his behaviour, and finding out about the vow merely explains said bizarro behaviour. That’s surely a good thing, right?. No, instead she flies off the handle and shows herself to be as self-absorbed as him, thinking that bet was merely to not sleep with her. Um, sweetie, if you’d look at the website, you’d realise that the bet really has nothing to do with you personally, it’s his own personal vow of chastity that others are betting on, and then he met you and wants to break the vow. Get over yourself for just a second. Or did you block the site before you read it? Because then you’re not just an idiot, you’re an ignorant, irresponsible idiot. Even movie characters should be smarter than this chick. At one point she says that Hartnett should’ve told her about his ex. Why? Because she inspired his vow? No, what he should’ve done was either never start dating you in the first place or stop the vow once he did. Why was he still doing the vow after falling in love? Why did he do it in the first place? No good goddamn reason known to intelligent man, that’s why.

 

If you want to be mature, then grow the fuck up. This is an appalling screenplay, Perez really ought to have shown it to someone outside the loop, because it makes no logical sense whatsoever, and doesn’t take place on any realistic plane of existence, and although fictional, the film is clearly meant to take place in the real world. On the plus side, Emmanuelle Vaugier kinda sorta briefly flashes parts of her tits, and Sossamon shows her nipples, but she and Hartnett have the silliest love scene since “Animal Crackers” met “Armageddon”. It’s not even a love scene, just an orgasm scene. Just watch the film, or better yet, don’t even bother.

 

If there were any laughs in this film, the moronic plot would be much less of a problem. I mean, “American Pie” was similarly sex-obsessed, but it was also genuinely funny (not to mention occasionally perceptive and relatable. And the characters were high-schoolers, known for being shallow and sex-obsessed!). I didn’t even crack a smile once. One of the worst comedies of the early 00s (and that’s saying something of the era that gave us “Freddy Got Fingered” and “Tomcats”), worthless, moronic, and not even remotely romantic. Barely escapes a bottom-of-the-barrel rating by the mere charming presence of Maggie Gyllenhaal.

 

Rating: D-