Review: The Legend of Hercules

Alcmene (Roxanne McKee) is wife to the ruthless King Amphytrion (Scott Adkins!), but is visited late at night by the god Zeus in wind form (!) and the result of their wild and windy night is a baby. Although his name is to be Hercules, he is given the name Alcides by the King, and the boy grows into a man played by Kellan Lutz. Detested by King Amphytrion and half-brother Iphicles (Liam Garrigan), he loves the princess Hebe (Gaia Weiss), whom the King sets up with Iphicles, because the King is a dickhead. He then sends Hercules on pretty much of a suicide mission as far away from the kingdom as possible. After the mission fails spectacularly, Hercules and his buddy-in-arms Sotiris (Liam McIntyre) are sold into slavery and trained as gladiatorial warriors by crusty old Lucius (Kenneth Cranham). No twelve labours to overcome here, folks (Well, maybe the lion, but that’s just one). Jonathon Schaech turns up as a grungy-looking Egyptian warrior named Tarak, and Rade Serbedzija has a small role as Chiron, the film’s resident wizened old good guy (because Patrick Stewart, Sir Ben Kingsley, or Malcolm McDowell would exceed the film’s smallish budget, presumably).

 

Every year seems to bring us a pair of films (*cough*) coincidentally (*cough*) about the same basic thing. In 1998 it was asteroid disaster movies (“Deep Impact”, which was solid, “Armageddon” which was flippant, overblown, and stupid), in 2013 it was White House terrorism films (“White House Down”, which was terrific, and “Olympus Has Fallen”, which was…not), etc. Well, 2014 saw two “Hercules” films. One got a theatrical release and starred The Rock. This is the other one, directed by former somebody Renny Harlin (“A Nightmare on Elm St. 4: The Dream Master”, “Die Hard 2”, “Cliffhanger”), and starring a “Twilight” alum (Kellan Lutz), a chick who got killed in the first couple of seasons of “Game of Thrones” (Roxanne McKee), one of the guys from the “Spartacus” TV franchise (Aussie beefcake Liam McIntyre), a direct-to-DVD martial arts star (the awesome Scott Adkins), and a few veterans and has-beens (Jonathon Schaech, Rade Serbedzija, and Kenneth Cranham). The result is a crushing bore, with puny-looking Lutz appallingly miscast in a film where he is clearly dwarfed by his father, played by Scott Adkins. Even some of the women in the film look like they could kick this guy’s arse.

 

The whole thing is an unconvincing and unsuccessful hodgepodge of “Gladiator”, the “Spartacus” TV franchise, and “300”, not once does it come across as anything remotely related to Hercules. It’s really insulting to have Hercules engage in gladiatorial combat (Spartacus, sure. But Hercules?), and even though he’s good at it, Kenneth Cranham really ought to be doing more than ripping off the late Oliver Reed in “Gladiator”. He’s the best actor in the film (though Liam Garrigan isn’t bad as Commodus…er…Iphicles), but he should be given he’s by far the most experienced, and this is far from his best day on the job. The casting of resident Eastern European bad guy Serbedzija in what is essentially a Greek legend mixed with Roman epic (think about that!), just screams of budget limitations. Although he’s not as laughable as you might expect, Jonathon Schaech similarly screams of ‘Who do we want?...um…OK, now who can we afford?...Uh, who will return our calls?...Um, who owes us a favour? Let’s go with that guy!’ Full credit to Schaech for not phoning it in, and in fact, several of the actors at least manage to spit their dialogue out without choking on it. Scott Adkins, for instance, even though this is far from the best use of his talents. He’s a touch above a “Spartacus” actor, but this just isn’t his bag, really. I’d be pissed if I were him, though, he gets listed in the credits behind Kellan Lutz, the Three Amigos of Crapdom from Millennium Films (Boaz Davidson, Danny Lerner, and Les Weldon), Renny Harlin’s own producer credit, the Executive Producers, the DOP, and then the other technical credits. Holy crap, it’s not like Adkins is a nobody for cryin’ out loud, and he’s done plenty of work for Millennium too. Bastards. Aside from the woefully inadequate Lutz, the only real dud in the cast is predictably McIntyre. He seems like a really nice guy from what I can gather, but he’s one of the worst actors from the “Spartacus” series, and predictably delivers all of his dialogue in that fake-arse wannabe Shakespearean manner that just sounds so silly coming from guys with giant six-packs and boofy footballer voices.

 

I feel really sorry for Mr. Harlin, whose “Cliffhanger” and “Die Hard 2” were certainly enjoyable blockbuster entertainments. I’d like to see him take on an “Expendables” film at some point, it’s certainly his strong suit. He’s made some duds in his time (“Cutthroat Island” will hang around his neck for eternity), but there’s nothing he can do with a shit script from serial offender Sean Hood (“Cube ²: Hypercube”, “Halloween: Resurrection”) and Daniel Giat, a horribly miscast lead actor in Kellan Lutz, and special FX delivered to you by the year 1991. I mean, is Hercules meant to be a Highlander? Because I’m pretty sure we see ‘The Quickening’ at one point. That lion sure looks awfully light on its feet, poor CGI there. But “Cutthroat Island” proved that even a big-budget doesn’t necessarily result in a good Renny Harlin film, so the FX aren’t entirely to blame (And the film shockingly had a $70 million budget anyway, if you believe what you read. Where’d the money go? Abdominal exercise equipment for all cast and crew?).

 

I think the script is the bigger problem here, it’s woefully inadequate and derivative. This just isn’t up to snuff and you know you’re in for a chore as soon as you find out that it’s from both Millennium Films and Summit Entertainment. Yikes. Even Disney didn’t get the legend this insultingly wrong. This is piss-poor, badly scripted, and cut-rate. It probably deserved to be shoved on TV screens as a TV series rather than a film, which I have loftier expectations for. On TV it might’ve at least appealed to the “Spartacus: Blood and Sand” crowd. There’s no mention of Jupiter’s cock at any point, though. One can be thankful for that one small difference.

 

For the most part, this is more boring than truly incompetent, I mean, this ain’t the Lou Ferrigno flicks, let’s just remember that (Seriously, those flicks were hilariously bad and even cheaper). I don’t necessarily care that the film fucks around with the Hercules myth per se (this one’s more of an origin story), it’s more the fact that it has chosen to do so while ripping off a bunch of stories that aren’t remotely Greek mythology-based. Shoddy stuff, unless all you want is Lutz’s abs. Even then, his abs get upstaged by most everyone else’s.

 

Rating: D+