Review: Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!

After saving L.A. and New York in previous adventures, Fin (Ian Ziering) is back to save Florida and Washington from shark-infested tornadoes. After saving the American President (Mark Cuban!) from almost certain sharknado-y death, Fin attempts to get to Universal Studios Orlando to meet up with his pregnant wife (Tara Reid) and her overprotective mother (Bo Derek!). Fin’s daughter (Ryan Newman) is also at another part of the park. On the way he runs into old friend Nova (Cassie Cserbo, from the first “Sharknado”) and her nerdy storm-chaser friend (played by a wired-looking Frankie Muniz!). Things progressively get worse as sharknadoes hit all over the east coast of the U.S., even causing havoc during a certain big sporting event. It appears that things are destined to culminate in- wait for it- a sharkicane!- And the solution to saving the day involves Fin calling upon the expertise and hardware of former NASA bigwig and estranged father Gil (The Hoff!!- And yes, that second exclamation point is earned!). It’s Sharknadoes in space, baby! Mark McGrath is back as Martin Brody, Conservative attention-seeker Ann Coulter plays the VP (!), Kim Richards (from bad publicity and rehab) plays a Universal employee, WWE’s Chris Jericho plays another Universal employee, Robert Klein plays the NY mayor (!), Michael Winslow (!) is still alive and working for NASA, Penn and Teller (!) play a couple of Gil’s ex-NASA buddies, Ne-Yo, Christopher Judge (with hair!) and Lou Ferrigno (!) are Secret Service agents, and we also get a slew of cameos by people playing themselves (Hoda, Kathie Lee, Matt Lauer, Al Roker- again, Michelle Bachman, Jackie Collins) or not (Harvey Levin, Lorenzo Lamas, George R.R. Martin, Anthony Weiner, Kendra Wilkinson, Holly Madison, Ray J, Cindy Margolis, former WWE Diva Maryse Oullet Mizanin, former “Mythbusters” guy Grant Imahara, Maria Menounos, among others).

Although I think it’s kind of missing the point, this is clearly the best “Sharknado” film so far. It’s bizarre that none of the films (nor any SyFy film for that matter) seem to be made by anyone who actually understands what a so-bad-it’s-funny film is, but I can’t deny that this is clearly the most interesting and entertaining film in the series thus far. Yes, the CGI FX are still appalling in a way that isn’t as fun as bad ‘practical’ FX can provide, but I actually kind of enjoyed this one. I think the thing with these films is that they’re not movies at all. Not good movies, not bad movies, not cheesy movies, not ‘so bad it’s funny’ or ‘so bad it’s good’ (A label that makes no sense to me). Nope. What they are is pop culture events, meant to generate ratings and post-“Sharknado” social media buzz. You watch them because you want to be a part of what everyone’s talking about. Director Anthony C. Ferrante and writer Thunder Levin (the people behind all three) don’t really care if they’ve made good, bad, cheesy, or indifferent films. That’s just not what these films are about. Personally, I think that’s the wrong approach to take. These films could be bad movie ‘classics’, but SyFy have no idea what a ‘So bad it’s funny’ film really is, and so what you end up with are three films that aren’t as fun as they should be.

However, like I said, this one’s by far the best and most enjoyable. The plot is insane, but rather engaging in its own dopey way. The opening James Bond gun barrel sequence-inspired title design is truly genius stuff. It’s also a quick starter, which is for the best, really. Best of all, unlike the second film where the cameos came so thick and fast and poorly done that I missed Wil Wheaton so I had to re-watch the damn thing, several of the cast members actually stand out this time and not always for bad reasons. Series star Ian Ziering still refuses to play to his strengths as an actor by eschewing all Steve Sanders-like qualities to play stoic hero here. I get that you don’t want to condescend to the material, but his performance is actually rather bland. Hamming it up actually would’ve been the better option. However, he and the typically abysmal Tara Reid are really the only dud notes here. Cassie Cserbo still has that constant bitchy look on her face, but not only does she display one helluva sexy body in a swimsuit at one point (she’s a 10, sorry Bo Derek!), but her performance is genuinely decent. I like that her character has turned into a “Mad Max”-esque bad arse here. It’s an enjoyable performance in a film that really shouldn’t have good performances, but at least she’s fun. Even more fun are the perfectly cast Frankie Muniz and more briefly Mark Cuban. Cuban is clearly having a whale of a time here, and casting Conservative pundit Ann Coulter as his VP was an inspired choice. We all want to see Coulter eaten by a shark, yes even people on her own side of the political fence. You also get to see her surf down a water-filled flight of stairs on a portrait of George Washington! Seriously, I can stop watching movies now. I’ve seen it all. Bo Derek is also cute casting, and Robert Klein is such priceless casting you wish he were in more of the film. Meanwhile, given the amount of “Celebrity Apprentice” alum who appear in these things (this time it’s Lou Ferrigno, Ziering, Penn Gillette, Mark McGrath, and Lorenzo Lamas) I hope they get Donald Trump himself for the next one, given he clearly won’t be President anytime soon. It has to happen! The Hoff is here, as inevitable a piece of casting as possible. He looks like hell, and seems as though he feels above the material. This is the guy who made “Baywatch Nights” and was filmed in a drunken stupor by his kids. Lighten up, Hoff-meister! You were born for “Sharknado 3”. His casting still works, though, because he’s such a ridiculous human being and only half realises it.

 

Not all of the celebrity goings on comes off here. I think Chris Jericho is on screen for way too long for someone who offers up so little entertainment. Jericho’s been one of the stalwarts in WWE for a long time and is usually great value, but he honestly gets nothing interesting or funny to say or do here, through no fault of his actual performance. Also, seeing Jerry Springer get eaten is about as relevant as…whatever that show Springer does now for the WWE Network. Also, Jedward? Do Americans even know who Jedward are? I wish I didn’t know who they are. Anyway, they have cameos too and have a song on the soundtrack.

The special FX are slightly improved from the previous films, as the destruction is fun to watch. The CGI sharks, however, still look really, really bad and not in a fun Edward D. Wood Jr. kind of way. The finale is really something to see. It involves sharks in space, disgraced politician Anthony Weiner as a NASA director (LOTS of phallic imagery), Tara Reid seemingly playing the role of a ventriloquist and the dummy (Her dialogue seems to come from somewhere else, i.e. Post production), and a purple laser chainsaw. Yes, a chainsaw that is also a laser, and it’s freaking purple. It’s capped off by the most insane birth scene ever that makes NO SENSE at ALL. Was she even that close to having the baby? It was brilliant, at any rate. A thousand eternities in hell for whoever decided to give us super sped-up end credits where you can’t read a damn thing.

The best film in the series thus far, yet also the biggest failure if they’re trying to make a bad film. This one’s actually average, not bad at all. Best see it as a cultural event, not a film per se. It’s highly watchable, and several of the guest stars are genuinely amusing, as is the plot. Shame about the FX, though.

Rating: C