Review: Zombie Shark

Bartender Cassie Steele, her boyfriend (Ross Britz), her younger sister (Sloane Coe), and trashy friend (Becky Andrews) all head out for some fun in the sun, but it all goes to hell when poor Britz finds himself the victim of the title undead shark. Of course, being a movie and all, science is to blame. Ever notice how science is always to blame in movies yet is considered to be the answer for most things in real-life? Movies are weird. Anyway, the shark is the result of a virus created by a well-meaning idiot, er…scientist (Laura Cayouette), and if our protagonists (which includes Roger J. Timber as a goofy resort owner) are to stay alive they must depend on the special security/military guy (Jason London) hired to guard the top-secret science lab. Oh, and did I mention that if you get bitten by a zombie shark you become a zombie too? Well, there’s that to contend with as well. 

Although it contains a couple of recognisable names in “Degrassi: TNG” alum Cassie Steele and Jason London (the one who got arrested and allegedly crapped himself, not the one who was kidnapped and drugged, that was poor twin brother Jeremy), I wouldn’t bother seeing this SyFy flick from 2015. Like a lot of SyFy films, I find myself wondering if the filmmakers either don’t know how to make a fun ‘bad’ movie (hint: You can’t do it on purpose!) or if they just don’t care. However, people keep watching them, so SyFy will never learn and will continue to churn them out. Yes, the “Sharknado” films have had their moments (especially the underrated third one) but they still aren’t as enjoyable as real bad movies like “Plan 9 From Outer Space” or “The Terror of Tiny Town”.

The title monster is terrible CGI, but even worse are the CGI flames so bad that the filmmakers should be embarrassed. Yes, even for a film called “Zombie Shark”. As for the acting, it’s not bad during normal scenes, but whenever someone has to display any major emotion like sadness or anger, for some reason they’re all completely flat. For someone like Ms. Steele, who has been in the industry for a while (and was perfectly fine on “Degrassi”, which of course I’ve never watched…) it’s really disappointing and really bizarre. Laura Cayouette is in a bad acting class all of her own as the scientist. She’s hilarious. As a shark is chewing her damn leg off, she’s talking to someone in a calm and normal voice without registering any pain whatsoever. Was she given any fucking direction at all? Certainly not good direction. Jason London spends the entire film looking like he has mentally checked out and is ready to pack it all in. He barely bothers to give two fucks worth of a performance. Hey, at least you weren’t kidnapped and force-fed crack, and no one believed you even though you were actually telling the truth (Sorry, but I just feel so sorry for Jeremy London. He didn’t deserve anything that happened to him during or after the incident. I hope he’s doing well now). The odd thing? London’s performance ends up being somewhat perversely compelling to watch because he just looks so defeated. The best actor of the bunch proves to be Roger J. Timber as the African-American resort owner. He’s a total dork, and although bordering on Stepin Fetchit at times, he’s a real hoot, intentional I hope. Other than him and London, though, this is a bit hard to get through.

I did like that a character gets killed off early whom you would’ve sworn was going to be one of the leads. That was nice, as was a shot of a headless body. Most of the actresses display wonderful, ample cleavage, but we never get to see the goods (not even from the token ‘slutty’ girl), because SyFy haven’t discovered tits yet. Hey, the film’s called “Zombie Shark”, I can afford to be sexist, OK? I mean, what kind of filmmaker has a skinny-dipping scene that doesn’t involve nudity? Misty Talley is the culprit (an editor with her first substantial directing gig), and I’m sure I don’t need to point out the obvious there. I was especially miffed that the boobtastic Steele spends the entire film covered up in a green flannel shirt. Why? Honestly, these SyFy films really are missing the point (The only one that came close to being a true ‘so bad it’s funny’ movie was the hilarious “Ghost Shark”). The disgraceful music score blatantly rips off John Williams’ icon “Jaws” theme, and not amusingly. Calling the shark ‘Bruce’ isn’t funny, either. It’s just lame.

This is cheap, mostly unenjoyable schlock by filmmakers who don’t know how to do it right, or don’t really care. At some point one really needs to stop putting cash in SyFy’s wallets. They don’t deserve it if this shit is all they can be bothered giving us. I mean, the budget clearly didn’t afford many zombies or sharks. Scripted by Greg Mitchell, who previously scripted SyFy’s “Snakehead Swamp”, which was a bit better.

Rating: C-