Review: Hardwired

Or “Run Cuba, Run”. Set in the near future, where big corporations have saved the US Government from bankruptcy and now control everything. Cuba Gooding Jr. and his pregnant wife are in a car crash. She and the baby die, he loses his memory. When he wakes up he finds out that a big corporation has taken it upon themselves to use a new, untested technology to save his life. There's a malicious computer chip implanted in the back of his brain, and he starts seeing advertisements in his head, and if he doesn’t like it, apparently the chip will explode his head (Buy Coke...OR ELSE!!!). Perplexed and paranoid, he’s taken in by some computer hackers led by Michael Ironside who help him take on the evil corporation and its megalomaniac head honcho (Val Kilmer, with a seriously bad wig and your nanna’s glasses).

It’s really sad how far the talented (if moody) Val Kilmer and the Oscar-winning Cuba Gooding Jr., have fallen since their heyday. Having previously seen Cuba in the awfully cheap horror flick “The Devil’s Tomb” among other films, and Kilmer stinking it up in the unwatchable “Streets of Blood”, I didn’t have high hopes for this 2009 Ernie Barbarash (“They Wait”, “Cube Zero”) sci-fi flick. That shouldn’t have been the case, given the good films the stars are capable of making. Unfortunately, this rather lame mixture of every futuristic sci-fi movie ever made (not to mention stealing character names from “The Terminator” and “Aliens”), is not the film to put either guys back on the A-list. You’ll spot elements of the cyberpunk crapfest “Johnny Mnemonic”, “Blade Runner”, “Freejack” (most of the plot, minus the car racing), “Strange Days”, and ironically “Déjà vu” (a much better film starring Kilmer), among countless others. And that would be fine if not for one thing; This film does nothing interesting or terribly accomplished with any of the things (i.e. clichés) it has borrowed from other films.

Meanwhile, why would Kilmer stop at advertising for his evil plans? With the technology he uses, he could take over the world! I get that he’s a businessman, but seriously, Blofeld would really take over, if he were in Kilmer’s shoes, creating an army of sleeper cell soldiers or something. In fact, it plays like a crap Canadian pilot for a TV series that never saw the light of day. Except that this has exploding heads (again, “Scanners”, starring Ironside), which probably wouldn’t fly on serialised TV. Speaking of TV, this clearly Canadian made film features two junior hackers who seemed like they just got off the set of “Degrassi”. And they’re better than Kilmer! Kilmer is godawful here, miscast as a megalomaniacal villain, and not even trying to hide the fact that he’s reading cue cards. Oh, and Val, what’s with the old ladies’ glasses, bro? Ironside’s the best thing, cast against type somewhat, as a good guy. And it’s not the first time Ironside has been the best thing about a film (“Highlander II”, “Visiting Hours”, “Mind Field”, etc). Personally I think the film would’ve been a little more tolerable had Ironside and Kilmer switched places. Cuba’s OK, but he doesn’t really seem like a sci-fi guy to me, and I just find watching him on screen these days to be depressing. He’s so much better than this, and it just proves that he’s the new Lou Gossett Jr, I guess. He brings charisma and likeability, but there’s only so much he can do with such uninspired material.

I won’t say the film is entirely awful, it’s just sorta there. It’s uninspired, right down to the three main stars clearly only there to pick up a paycheck. It’s better than “Johnny Mnemonic”, but then, so is a hernia. Oh, and the film has the most shameless set-up for a sequel I have ever seen, finishing on a close-up of a photo (clearly a promo shot) of Lance Henriksen, who doesn’t appear in the film! Screenplay by Michael Hurst (who previously directed the not-bad “House of the Dead 2” and wrote “Ninja” with arse-kicker Scott Adkins as the star), who would’ve gotten kicked out of college for plagiarism if this were his master thesis.

Rating: D+