Review: Never Say Never Again

Criminal organisation SPECTRE steals two nuclear missiles, and hold the world’s major powers for ransom. 007 James Bond (Sean Connery) gets called in to investigate matters, which lead to egotistical mastermind and SPECTRE agent Largo (Klaus Maria Brandauer). Bond also tangles with two very different women, sexy but dangerous villainess Fatima Blush (the smouldering Barbara Carrera), and Domino (Kim Basinger), the mousy mistress of Largo. Max von Sydow adds a touch of class as arch villain (and SPECTRE El Supremo) Ernst Stavro Blofeld. Bernie Casey turns up as CIA contact Felix Leiter, Edward Fox is the stuffy MI6 head M, Alec McCowen is the film’s Q Branch representative, and Pamela Salem is the horny Miss Moneypenny.

Not made by the usual teaming of Harry Saltzman and ‘Cubby’ Broccoli, this Irvin Kershner (“The Empire Strikes Back”, “The Eyes of Laura Mars”) ‘rogue’ 007 adventure from 1983 is one of the more forgettable entries, and only for completists. In fact, 1983’s ‘official’ Bond entry, the Roger Moore-starring “Octopussy”, is the much better film (and much higher-grossing), despite an aging Connery being coaxed into appearing in the ‘unofficial’ one. I personally don’t consider it to be ‘unofficial’, it’s rather silly to think that way. This film, based on an original story by Kevin McClory is in fact, a virtual remake of the 1965 Bond film “Thunderball”, and as a result of litigation over that film’s literary origins (based on a screenplay idea McClory collaborated on with original Bond author Ian Fleming), McClory was allowed to make his own Bond film, so long as it was based on this material. Thus, characters of James Bond, M, Q, Moneypenny, and Felix Leiter could all be shared by EON and McClory, but McClory would own criminal organisation SPECTRE, and the characters of Ernst Stavro Blofeld, Domino Smith, Fatima Blush, and Fiona Volpe, among various story elements.

There are things to enjoy here, but there’s no doubting that this is one of the middling-to-weak entries. It all gets off to a cheesy 80s start, with a typical Countdown/Solid Gold title design and a rather average song by Lani Hall. The action opener is akin to an episode of “Magnum PI”, or a Michael Dudikoff Golan-Globus cheapie. As for Mr. Connery’s toupee, Don’t Ask and Don’t Tell, I say! Things don’t improve once we get introduced to familiar characters like M, Moneypenny and Q. I don’t mind that the characters have been recast (for obvious reasons) and retooled, it’s just that it isn’t done well. Fox is arguably a stronger actor than regular ‘M’ Bernard Lee, but Lee is (or was) M, and Fox...is not. He’s far too hammy and attention-seeking Meanwhile, as Miss Moneypenny, Salem evaporates on screen. The film’s Q is even worse, with McCowen’s cockney interpretation is totally wrong, far too chummy with 007 and a dirty old man to boot. It’s like all the characters we know and love have been taken over by cancerous pod people or something. But even Connery is having an off moment here. I’ve heard people suggest his boredom in “You Only Live Twice” (one of my favourite Bond films), but for me, this is the one where the talented Connery looks bored senseless and just goes through the motions here. It’s probably because he already did it with “Thunderball” (he didn’t seem terribly invested there, either). And that’s a shame, because the film’s most interesting idea is the notion of 007’s increasing age. The film’s Felix Leiter, Bernie Casey (the first-ever African-American to play the role) fares best in the cast, he’s the second-best Leiter in the entire series, just behind Jack Lord from “Dr. No”, the best-ever Bond film. My only problem with Casey is that he slips too easily into African-American sidekick mode here. He is, however, good enough in action mode to suggest he should’ve had his own African-American action movie series.

The film is weaker than “Thunderball”, but not by a huge margin (the underwater scenes here are better, if only because there’s less of them!). That film was flawed but had a certain panache or style that “Never Say Never Again” lacks. Nowhere is this more evident than in the awful Michel Legrand (“The Thomas Crown Affair”) score, which is entirely nondescript. If there’s one element that stands out as being representative of a rogue entry, it’s this music score, which is entirely unmemorable and it is a shame that John Barry’s services were not in use here (he apparently declined out of loyalty to EON).

The Bond girls are a mixed bag this time. On the one hand, Carrera’s sexy villainess Fatima Blush is a scene-stealer, Carrera is the absolute shining star of the film. A precursor to the aggressive-yet-sexy Xenia Onatopp from “GoldenEye”, this is the kind of woman you’d volunteer to have kick your butt (Ten demerits for using way too much soft-focus on her. Carrera don’t need no prettyin’ up, she’s perfection as is!). On the other end of the spectrum is the spectacularly bad, singularly unappealing Basinger as Domino. I’ve often wondered how such a boring and barely competent actress as Basinger managed to get her start in the business (her overrated Oscar-win in “L.A. Confidential” at least proved that every actor has at least one decent performance in them), let alone how she wasn’t fired here. The woman looks far too timid to be an actress and has the screen presence of bubble wrap. Actually, that’s an insult to bubble wrap. Horribly miscast in a role I would’ve given to Laura Gemser, Sybil Danning, Geena Davis, Demi Moore...just about any actress other than Basinger. In fact, vastly superior to Basinger, was Claudine Auger as Domino in “Thunderball”. Look fast for the bodacious, pretty-eyed Valerie Leon as one of Bond’s conquests, she also played a receptionist in “The Spy Who Loved Me”, and more importantly a busty Egyptian priestess in the underrated horror flick “Blood From the Mummy’s Tomb”.

Faring considerably better than the women, are the film’s two other villains beside Carrera, Brandauer and von Sydow. As chief villain Largo, Brandauer reminds me of what Paul Verhoeven would be like if he ever played a Bond villain, and that’s not a criticism. He’s far superior to his “Thunderball” counterpart, the boring Adolfo Celi, and is suave, arrogant, and just a little offbeat. However, his computer game challenge to 007 (which sounds like it was inspired by Risk and the infamous Robbie the Robot), is without question the most ill-advised scene in any Bond film, and that includes the dumb-arse slide whistle stunt from “The Man With the Golden Gun” or the frigging gondola in “Moonraker”. The film is thirty minutes too long to begin with, so I’d have cut this whole dopey scene, and also removed the dopey, passionless dance scene, too. As arch-villain Blofeld, the imposing and charismatic von Sydow is good for the few scenes he is around, and his cat is far better behaved than the jittery one in “You Only Live Twice”. Overlong or not, the film definitely could’ve used more scenes with him, but unfortunately they ended up on the cutting room floor. Another sticking point in the film is the debut film appearance by the genuinely talented Rowan Atkinson, as the bumbling Nigel Small-Fawcett (ho, ho). He’s enjoyable, and good at what he does, but jarring, and in a way, just plain wrong for a Bond film. The Douglas Slocombe (“Dead of Night”, “Circus of Horrors”) cinematography is certainly nice, but the locales are a tad lacklustre if you ask me.

A real mixed bag, but certainly still counts as a Bond film if you ask me. The villains mostly work, but the rest is severely hit-and-miss, and the music is awful.

Rating: C+