Review: The Snowman

Michael Fassbender plays a troubled Oslo detective who alongside new partner Rebecca Ferguson investigates a series of disappearing women, with the title calling card linking them. Before long it turns into a serial killing case. Chloe Sevigny plays dual roles, whilst Charlotte Gainsbourg plays Fassbender’s ex, and J.K. Simmons turns up as a Norwegian businessman.

Everybody hates this 2017 thriller from director Tomas Alfredson (“The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo”, “Let the Right One In”), which obviously means I’m going to defend it, right? Nope. This is a mess, with unintentional laughs from the opening scene that are truly embarrassing. It’s been expertly shot by Dion Beebe (“Miami Vice”, “Edge of Tomorrow”) and indeed Alfredson is a fine visual stylist filmmaker, whilst Michael Fassbender is perfectly troubled and aloof in the lead role. It’s just that it’s all incredibly dumbski, and whilst there aren’t any bad performances, most of the rest of the cast are poorly used. Surely the book by Jo Nesbø is better than the mess Alfredson and screenwriters Hossein Amini (“Drive”, writer-director of “The Two Faces of January”) and Peter Straughan (“Tinker, Tailor, Soldier Spy”, and the terrible “The Men Who Stare at Goats” and “Our Brand is Crisis”) have put to the screen.

It’s schizophrenic, with parts of it being not bad and parts of it being very, very bad. Some of it is intriguing, a lot of it is stilted, slow, and dull. It’s insane, but not compellingly enough to make it worthwhile as a curio misfire because in addition to the stupid screenplay, it has been directed by someone with a keen eye and absolutely no sense of pacing. I’m not convinced that Alfredson is a great storyteller to be honest. He wasn’t able to keep “Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy” from getting stodgy and dense, and he’s all over the shop here too. Things just play really, really weirdly here. Cancer of the tongue apparently explains why Val Kilmer is dubbed here, but not explained is why the dubbing is so bad or why he has taken on such a crap role in the first place. I really don’t know why he’s here, though combined with a couple of terrible slasher moments, his dubbing might almost make you think you’re watching a third-rate giallo film. J.K. Simmons does a pretty damn good English accent here. The problem? He’s meant to be playing a Norwegian. Hell, pretty much everyone here is meant to be Norwegian if I’m not mistaken, and none of the stars sound like it. Even Swede Rebecca Ferguson sounds bloody English (she always does to me). Chloe Sevigny is actually quite good in a taciturn, rather disturbing role, but falls afoul of the film’s silliness by also playing twins. Poor Toby Jones is appallingly wasted in a nothing role. Meanwhile, if you can’t work out who the bad guy is about an hour in, I hope you enjoyed your first cinematic experience.

Although not quite as horrendous as reputed to be, this is silly, but not in any particularly enjoyable way. One of the more well-acted bad films I’ve seen, Fassbender is fine, Sevigny is quite good under the circumstances, too. There are some OK moments here and there surrounded by a lot of shite. It’s nutty as a fruitcake, but no fun at all.

Rating: C-