Review: Bitch Slap

Julie Voth, Erin Cummings, and America Olivo are a trio of bad girls (Voth being a stripper and Cummings the hardened leader) who have fled to a remote desert area after stealing a whole lotta diamonds from a Vegas kingpin (a scummy Michael Hurst). We get their back stories via a series of flashbacks, as they wait it out, splash water on each other, and even get down to some Sapphic lovin’. Minae Noji turns up as a freakin’ insane Asian assassin in the GoGo Yubari mould, whilst Lucy Lawless and Renee O’Connor play a couple of nincompoop nuns who get duped by one of our trio. That’s stuntwoman Zoe Bell (“Xena: Warrior Princess”, “Death Proof”) getting pummelled by Cummings in a fight, and “Hercules” himself Kevin Sorbo plays a rather mysterious figure.

This ought to have been really something, folks. Seemingly heavily influenced by Russ Meyer’s “Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill!”, there was potential here to update that film with more exploitation goodies, as that was one of Meyer’s tamer films. It could’ve worked as either satire or campy throwback, easily. Adding roles for Lucy Lawless and Renee O’Connor might’ve even allowed for some Sapphic material that “Xena: Warrior Princess” only hinted at. And with a visual style slightly reminiscent of “Sin City” or at least “The Spirit”, the film could’ve been a whole lot of fun. It isn’t, it’s supremely disappointing, and whilst director Rick Jacobson (who indeed worked on “Xena”, hence the participation of alumni from “Xena” and “Hercules: The Mediocre Journeys”) displays an obviously love of “Faster Pussycat!” in every single scene, the film seems more in line with “Kill Bill vol. 1”, albeit a very pale and tame imitation of that film. In other words, it’s a lot of women fighting instead of a lot of women fucking. Fine, but at least make it interesting and entertaining, like Tarantino did. Jacobson, for the most part doesn’t (I liked the crotch-biting, though. That was nice).

Although sometimes visually interesting (but irritatingly over-edited and oversaturated with slow-mo), this is an exploitation film without much exploitation, and aside from some amusingly (and hopefully intentionally) bad dialogue, the screenplay is appalling. I liked some of the inventive insults and profanities, not to mention one rather hilarious line; ‘I have a photojournalistic memory’). However, the entire plot structure is counter-productive to anything resembling entertainment. The plot, especially in the opening twenty minutes, is largely comprised of flashbacks. What this results in is a bunch of characters staying in one location for far too long, whilst we get the real film in flashbacks. Seriously, that’s where the real film is, the rest of it is inert. I just didn’t understand that approach, especially when one of those aforementioned flashbacks is accompanied by a title card that reads; ‘3.17 months ago’. What? That might just be the most idiotic thing I’ve seen.

The lack of nudity really annoyed me here. I mean, it’s not necessary to every film, but it’s bloody well necessary here, given we have strippers, a water fight, and a rather long lesbian sex scene. And no real nudity at any point. Talk about screwing up potential for exploitation goodness. I can get fully-clothed/partially-clothed girls splashing water on each other on TV any day of the week on countless shows. And not even cable, free-to-air TV (Just watch any hip-hop video, for instance). Hell, you got it plenty of times on “Baywatch”, which Jacobson also worked on. So where’s the fun in just giving us TV-level exploitation? Film is supposed to give you what you can’t get on TV, and that should be especially true of an exploitation film. Then you’ve got Xena and Gabrielle turning up as nuns, and we get lesbian nuns...but they’re not the ones played by Xena and Gabrielle. That’s a big missed opportunity right there, they really could’ve given us something that extends on what subtext-reading viewers of “Xena” (Yes, I occasionally watched it for the subtext and Bruce Campbell) got on TV. Nooo, we can’t give people what we want can we? That wouldn’t do.

I will say that the acting is...appropriate for the material. It’s not exactly good, but I’m not sure it’s meant to be either. Kiwi actor Michael Hurst was the only watchable thing on “Hercules” and he steals the show here as a sleazy British-accented crim, and there’s also a nice cameo by “Xena” (and “Kill Bill”) stuntwoman Zoe Bell. I also liked the Asian chick with the yo-yo and her Tourette’s Syndrome partner in crime. They’re a “Kill Bill” rip-off, but kinda amusing, the Asian chick in particular is insane. The film is pretty violent, but in a cartoon way, so it’s hardly offensive. But that’s kinda the shame of it.

Whilst not necessarily a bad film, this combination of bad writing and scant exploitation goodness proves pretty lethal. Maybe it should’ve been bad, because a lot of those exploitation films are bad on a technical level (even most of Meyer’s films have their issues), but they’re also often wildly entertaining schlock. This ain’t no “Beyond the Valley of the Dolls”, it ain’t even “Faster Pussycat”. It’s just a mediocre poseur. This is a bit of a bore to be honest. It’s competent, but since when did exploitation have to be competent?

Rating: C