Review: Masters of the Universe

We’re in the land of Eternia. The evil Skeletor (Frank Langella) has imprisoned the Sorceress (the unfortunately named Christina Pickles), who is crucial to the balance of the universe or something. Our hero is He-Man (Dolph Lundgren) who encounters a gnome-like inventor named Gwildor (Billy Barty, naturally), who shows He-Man his doo-hickey called The Cosmic Key, a device that can open doors in time and space, a device that Skeletor greatly desires and is searching for. And you guessed it, when Skeletor’s cronies come a-knockin’, Gwildor presses a few buttons on the Cosmic Key, and before long Gwildor, He-Man, and his trusty aides Man-at-Arms (Jon Cypher) and Teela (Chelsea Field) are transported to 1980s Earth. There the key ends up in the hands of amateur musician Kevin (Robert Duncan McNeill), who is having relationship problems with pretty Julie (Courteney Cox). He finds the Cosmic Key and instantly knows it’s like totally a brand new Japanese synthesiser. Yeah, nah. While He-Man and co encounter Julie, Skeletor sends an army of henchmen to Earth to grab the Cosmic Key. Those henchmen are Beast-Man (Tony Carroll), Blade (Anthony De Longis), Saurod (Pons Maar), and Karg (Robert Towers). Meg Foster plays icy, evil witch Evil-Lyn, whilst James Tolkan is a local cop who thinks Kevin is a punk kid hopped up on drugs or something.

 

Directed by Gary Goddard (who is better known for doing short segments and live-action shows for amusement parks), this 1987 live-action version of the popular cartoon and subsequent action figure line was a flop for The Cannon Group, and even as a 7-8 year-old I wasn’t convinced by it much, either. There’s elements to like here and there, but then and now in 2020, it’s easy to see why this one has never much pleased “He-Man” fans nor anyone else. The problem is easy to see for fans of the “Masters of the Universe” cartoon, because Goddard and screenwriter David Odell (“The Muppet Show”, “The Dark Crystal” and more importantly, “Supergirl”) are clearly not remotely interested in making a good “Masters of the Universe” movie. Certainly they’re not interested in making a faithful one, as the majority of the film takes place on 1980s planet Earth. It plays largely as a fish-out-of-water “Highlander” or “Terminator” rip-off, but with the “Masters of the Universe” characters instead of a French-accented Celtic immortal or a killer cyborg (“Flash Gordon” is another obvious influence). Basically, Golan-Globus were looking to make a quick buck jumping on recent-ish trends and they got caught out by a public that saw their bullshit coming a mile away. Those who did see the film were largely unimpressed. In taking this fish-out-of-water approach and abandoning the world of Eternia, Castle Greyskull, Battle-Cat/Cringer (He-Man rides a hoverboard instead! Why?), and the Adam/He-Man duality, the filmmakers rob the film of most everything that would make this a “Masters of the Universe” film. In taking this fish-out-of-water approach and setting the film in 80s America, the filmmakers forever date the film in the worst way possible. Sometimes a film being indicative of its era is perfectly fine, even advantageous. Here it means having to deal with a pre-“Friends” Courteney Cox’s boyfriend troubles with uber-bland Robert Duncan McNeill (His screen debut, apparently). It also means we’re subjected to fish-out-of-water comedy with the Eternia folk and Courteney Cox’s bewildered interactions with them. It also means a ‘Cosmic Key’ is seen by 80s Americans as some kinda ‘way-cool totally rad’ synthesiser. Despite not looking, sounding, or functioning like any synthesiser ever in the history of fucking synthesisers. This is what Cannon thought would make for a good “Masters of the Universe” movie.

 

We start with a terrifically campy narration, but it’s followed by a music score and credit design shamelessly ripping off “Superman”. For shame, Bill Conti (“Rocky”, “The Karate Kid”). For shame. It’s not just “Superman” though, Conti even gives Skeletor’s entrance the ‘Imperial March’ treatment. It’s a pretty good indication of what the film has in store for the next 90 minutes or so.

 

On the plus side, there’s a few really good instances of casting here. Dolph Lundgren to me is usually better as a villain (“Universal Soldier” in particular), but here’s the one counter to that. He’s a perfect big-screen He-Man, unless Marc Singer in “The Beastmaster” counts. I just wish he didn’t get so lost in the shuffle in his own damn movie, so that’s a shame. Also, points off to whoever thought He-Man should’ve been carrying a laser gun instead of wielding his sword for 98% of the film. Also doing a really good job is Frank Langella as arch-nemesis Skeletor. A lot of people disliked the makeup job on Langella. I actually think he looks good, if a little more like Emperor Palpatine than Skeletor, perhaps. Make-up aside, Langella’s having more fun here than anyone not named Billy Barty (a scene-stealer playing a new character meant to be a budget-friendly version of Orko from the TV show). Apparently Langella really did enjoy playing the part as his kids were fans of the show. The fun for me was infectious, in a film that otherwise isn’t that much fun. I also suspect he’s doing a Jack Palance impersonation for some reason, and a damn good impersonation at that. Although she’s not nearly as well-utilised in the film, pale-eyed Meg Foster is also well-chosen for the icy villainess Evil-Lyn. She truly seems like she has ice in her veins.

 

The rest of the cast are a mixed bag at best. Seriously, I’m being generous. Jon Cypher is just OK playing sidekick/grizzled veteran Man-at-Arms, but it’s a relatively easy role to play in this thing. A million other actors could’ve done it, several of them likely better. I normally like Chelsea Field as an actress, but cast as Teela, she gives the kind of phony performance Sigourney Weaver’s character in “Galaxy Quest” was a parody of. A collection of stupid action poses, it would appear that Scarlett Johansson has modelled all of her action role performances on Field’s silly work here. In fairness, she gets a large heaping of really terrible dialogue to deliver. The collection of henchman are themselves a mixed bag, to be honest. Saurod was a new character created for the film, and whilst I actually loved the spark-spitting toy as a kid, the short shrift the character is given in the film makes him at best a low-rent Boba Fett, all show and no go. Also, the film version of the character…sadly does not shoot sparks from its mouth. What the hell? Veteran weapons specialist and occasional actor Anthony De Longis plays a character named Blade, but De Longis and his eye-patch don’t ever get to cut loose. He gets a brief sword fight with He-Man before the director feels what we really need is more fucking laser battles instead. Yeah, that’s what we want to see from He-Man, laser battles…whilst his sword is firmly behind his back doing fucking nothing. Popular character Beast-Man is pretty boring in both design and character here, whilst Robert Powers gets another new character called Karg, who looks like a demonic Pomeranian…and was strangely never seen in toy form despite being the most prominent of all the henchmen Blade and Gwildor got toys as well, btw). Powers’ hammy performance is easily the best of the evil henchmen. It’s not even close. As for the humans, the aforementioned McNeill (later to appear on “Star Trek: Voyager”) is bland and boring, Cox is…better than McNeill. Actually, that’s mean. She’s personable enough, it’s just that she’s handed a lot of the fish-out-of-water scenes to participate in. The only one of the 80s Earth cast members to stand out in any good way is veteran hard-arse character actor James Tolkan as a gruff cop who has to deal with all kinds of crazy shit suddenly happening. Yeah, he gets a lot of the fish-out-of-water stuff to contend with, as well as playing the stock ‘character doomed to be wrong about everything’. However, Tolkan’s such a lively and fun actor he at least entertains. His is the second-best performance behind Langella.

 

There’s actually the pieces of a potentially good “Masters of the Universe” movie here, even if some of the other pieces are missing. Snippets of it work. However, someone here decided they’d much rather a film that churned out pieces ripped off from other, already profitable films. Sure, the line I’ve read is that the film was meant to be based on the toys, not the cartoon. Hence why Battle Cat and Prince Adam aren’t here. But let’s be honest, the filmmakers – or at least the crumbling studio financing the film – weren’t interested in fidelity to anything “Masters of the Universe”-related. They just wanted to make a buck any way they thought best without breaking the meagre budget at a time when the studio was near dire straits. It’s lazy-arse filmmaking, and it didn’t work the way the filmmakers thought it would on audiences, as the film’s financial failure contributed to the eventual demise of The Cannon Group. The sci-fi stuff doesn’t belong here. The modern day Earth stuff doesn’t belong here, and is clearly indicative of someone wanting to lower the budget. The Eternian characters who aren’t parts of the known franchise don’t really belong here either, cool as the subsequent Saurod toy was. Meanwhile, FX veteran Richard Edlund (“Star Wars”, “Ghostbusters”, “Fright Night”, “Big Trouble in Little China”) delivers some of his shoddiest work ever, unfortunately. Even for 1987 it’s pretty unacceptable, though I imagine Golan-Globus gave him food stamps to spend on the FX at best.

 

A studio that shouldn’t have been financing such a potentially popular title. A director and screenwriter clearly out of their depth at this point in their careers. They combined to take a well-loved entity and present it on the big-screen in the most disappointing way possible. Whether it was the director, screenwriter, Golan-Globus or EP Edward R. Pressman, someone here took the pre-existing “Masters of the Universe” world…and decided to make a mostly unrelated movie based on the title and a few bare bones. Whoever decided He-Man could be best utilised helping out Courteney Cox with her boyfriend issues should’ve been euthanised for the good of humanity and Eternians alike (Apparently Goddard insisted on the opening and closing in Eternia, so I assume it wasn’t him to blame). Destined to disinterest fans and the uninitiated alike. Lundgren is perfectly chosen in the lead, Frank Langella is a rock-solid Skeletor. The film is subpar. Watch the cartoon instead, it’s awesome.

 

Rating: C