Review: Muppets Most Wanted

The Muppets have a new manager, a hack named Dominic Badguy (Ricky Gervais), who is shockingly a bad guy in league with a wanted criminal named Constantine who looks rather like Kermit the Frog. He has a mole and a Russian accent, however. The Muppets are touring Europe when Kermit gets arrested for being mistaken for Constantine, and is thrown in a Siberian gulag. There he is forced by prison warden Nadya (Tina Fey) to assist in the production of the prison camp musical (the prisoners are played by Ray Liotta, Danny Trejo, Jermaine Clement, and WWE’s resident little person Hornswoggle among others). The rest of the Muppets don’t even notice the difference in Kermit’s appearance, accent or demeanour as Constantine impersonates Kermit as the European tour is used merely as a front for the criminal activities of the froggy criminal mastermind and disingenuous Dominic (Whose last name is pronounced ‘Bad Gee’- Maniacal laugh, maniacal laugh. Sigh). Ty Burrell turns up as a clueless French Interpol agent, flanked by Sam the Eagle as an FBI agent, investigating matters, in between bickering. Various other stars have cameos, mostly useless.

 

I liked the previous film “The Muppets” well enough, but I thought Bret McKenzie’s shockingly Oscar-winning work as songwriter was appalling, and that the songs were performed by the actors in a really condescending, snarky manner that rubbed me completely the wrong way. The only one that really worked wasn’t written by McKenzie- the Muppet standard ‘The Rainbow Connection’, which is just a beautiful, timeless song. Well, director James Bobin and his “Flight of the Concordes” alum McKenzie are back for this 2014 sequel…and the songs (more traditional this time around) are the only decent thing in the whole damn film. They are actually performed in a much less condescending manner than the acting performance given by a clearly bemused Ricky Gervais. Phoning it in much, Ricky? Otherwise this is a shoddy excuse for a film with woefully dated humour best exemplified by its dopey mistaken identity plot (tiny beauty spot included!) and Ty Burrell hopelessly attempting to be Inspector Clouseau. Filmmakers and casting directors need to realise that Burrell wasn’t known for comedy before “Modern Family”. He’s brilliant on that show, but that doesn’t mean he’s the next Chevy Chase, Steve Martin, or Peter Sellers. He’s horrendously unfunny in a film that comes with a stale, corny script by Bobin and Nicholas Stoller (“Forgetting Sarah Marshall”, the excellent “Five Year Engagement”).

 

This plays more like the Muppets films of the 80s (“The Great Muppet Caper” especially) than 1979’s “The Muppet Movie”, only much worse. The director has apparently said that the influence was light-hearted 60s caper movies like “Topkapi” and “The Pink Panther”. That’s bullshit. Sorry, but it clearly is to anyone who has ever seen the previous Muppet movies. Things start off pretty well, with an amusing opening number that at least seems to suggest that the filmmakers know that sequels are inferior. It’s a much better song than any of the ones in the previous film, simply by not trying to be hip or snarky. It’s just funny, clever, and knowing. We also get a brilliant parody of “The Seventh Seal” featuring the Swedish Chef. Hilarious, and sadly the biggest laugh in the entire film. One of the only laughs in the entire film (the only others being an Animal drum solo that seems to go on for days, a Salma Hayek cameo and the ‘Indoor Running of the Bulls’, which is hilarious and weird). All of the songs this time out are pretty decent, and much more vintage Muppets, than snarky, condescending to the Muppets.

 

However, this is just the pits, at the end of the day. The whole Russian Kermit impostor just screams 80s cheapness to me, and not just because of the Cold War. It’s stupid and totally beneath The Muppets, as far as I’m concerned. Tina Fey’s mostly impenetrable Russian accent (and she’s surprisingly witless too) seems to suggest that no one here was really interested in the Muppets themselves, to be honest. I’m not kidding, 90% of what she said in her first two scenes was indecipherable for me, and my hearing’s not too shabby (The fact that she was working with a dialect coach may be the problem. It’s a fucking Muppets movie, Tina. Don’t condescend to it, sure, but do you really need to go all ‘method’ with the accent? Jesus). It’s a shame, because the melody of her big number was pretty catchy, actually, I just couldn’t understand any of the lyrics. Even Russian Kermit has a catchy musical number…once again, ruined by the accent. But what in the holiest of fucks is Miss Piggy doing the Macarena for in 2014? 2014! That just about says it all, doesn’t it? If not, the fact that she later sings ‘My Heart Will Go On’ (once again, in 2014!) certainly will. And then Celine herself turns up to let us know she’s still alive. Did Beyoncé ask for too much money? Statler and Woldorf aren’t actually funny here, they’re telling the honest truth! When Danny Trejo, Ray Liotta, and Jermaine Clement can’t get a laugh playing prisoners singing ‘End of the Road’ you know something is seriously off. On paper it sounds like an hysterical idea. Liotta, by the way, is a seriously unnerving premise to have in a Muppet film. I love the guy, but yikes, I felt nervous for the little coloured felt creatures whenever he was around. And whilst Toby Jones gets a mere reaction shot, Ty Burrell’s bargain basement Peter Sellers seems to never go away! He needs to stick to playing Phil Dunphy, he’s brilliant at it. The best I can say for him is that unlike Gervais (and sadly Fey, who looks bored) he doesn’t act down to the material. No, he’s just miscast and unfunny. Meanwhile, why in the hell is Sam the Eagle working for the Feds and not on stage with the other Muppets? That’s stupid. I did, however, absolutely love the cameos by Rizzo the Rat and Tiny Tim from “Muppet Christmas Carol” (my favourite Muppet movie ever, I try to watch it annually if I can). That was a really lovely surprise.

 

I was also kind of pissed that whilst we focussed on the whole stupid evil Russian Kermit thing, the filmmakers have pretty much forgotten that they created whole new Muppet last time around, Walter. He’s back in this one, but it’s very late in the piece before anyone seems to remember that he’s an official Muppet now. Nobody even seems to talk to the poor guy for most of the film. Are the Muppets a bunch of super clique-y arseholes or what? I wasn’t the biggest fan of the guy last time, but geez, he gets the fuzzy end of the lollipop here. Nah, let’s just focus on Boris…er…Russian Kermit and his ‘moose unt sqvuirrel’ accent and fake mole, which none of the Muppets seem to notice until they make a half-arsed joke out of their cluelessness in the third act. Not. Good. Enough. It’s stupidly obvious that it’s not Kermit. He has a Russian freaking accent. Mr. Magoo could work it out (See, ‘coz he was myopic, not deaf…) Even for a family film, it’s lame, insulting, and unfunny. It takes at least 30 minutes for anyone (Walter, of course) to notice something isn’t right.

 

The songs are nice (a few too many sung in bad accents), but the film is horribly outdated, insulting, and mostly really badly performed and unfunny. This is cheap stuff. The Muppets should be above this. Way above. This one’s almost as bad as “Muppet Wizard of Oz”, their worst film to date by far. Oh, and while I get the gag, Usher’s cameo is really quite racist when you think about it.

 

Rating: D+