Review: Wagons East!

A bunch of people from the western town of Prosperity are fed up with the robbing and violence of the Wild West, and decide they want to go East. They enlist the services of hard-drinkin’ wagon master James Harlow (John Candy) to take them there. Harlow, in addition to being a grumpy drunk, harbours a dark secret from his past that is slowly revealed. Richard Lewis plays a Louisiana surgeon (!), John C. McGinley is a flamboyantly gay bookseller, William Sanderson basically plays ‘Gabby’ Hayes, Russell Means is your standard Native American stereotype, Robert Picardo is a meek banker (think the kinds of roles Elisha Cook Jr., Karl Swenson, and John Qualen used to play), Gailard Sartain is a rich railroad tycoon, and Ed Lauter is a hired gunman named Slade, but you can call him Wile E. Coyote.

 

Although Michael Moore’s “Canadian Bacon” was released after it, this 1994 western-comedy from hack director Peter Markle (“Youngblood”, “El Diablo”) was the last film of loveable comedian/actor John Candy. He died during the shoot at a far too young age, and the film was completed with stand-ins and the occasional insertion of existing shots into other scenes. In addition to being a third-rate, wannabe “Blazing Saddles” (you’d swear it should have C-grade Scream Queen Linnea Quigley in here somewhere playing a whore), it’s a profoundly sad, depressing experience that no one really could’ve foreseen (Although, according to his friend Catherine O’Hara, Candy really didn’t want to head to Mexico and do the film). I also find it sadly ironic that this was the final Carolco film to be released by Tri-Star, and based on the version I recently saw on TV (my second time watching the film, I might add. I’m not a masochist, I just wanted to finally review it), it would appear that Lionsgate now own the film. Lionsgate have released some good films here and there, but also have a reputation for poorly treating their films, whilst the original incarnation of Carolco is long-defunct (Thanks a lot, “Cutthroat Island”!), and Tri-Star have had pretty sporadic involvement in the film industry ever since this film, really. So it seems kind of fitting that all three have found themselves attached to this lousy bomb, now.

 

Scripted by Matthew Carlson (occasional writer of “Malcolm in the Middle” and story editor on my favourite TV show “The Wonder Years”) from a story by Jerry Abrahamson (his only credit), it’s not an embarrassingly bad film, just entirely unfunny (save for one line of dialogue), boring, and sad for obvious off-screen reasons. The music score by Michael Small (“Klute”, “Jaws: The Revenge”, “Mobsters”), although plagiaristic, is far and away the best and only good thing in the entire film. Otherwise, every minute of this tired, tired film tells you that the only reason it was ultimately released is so that the studio could get their money back. I’d be surprised if that happened, though.

 

Candy, one of the most loveable screen icons of the 80s and early 90s, looks unhealthy and unhappy in this. In hindsight we all know why, but to see one of the world’s most affable screen presences playing a rather grumpy, drunk, and troubled character at a time when he was probably in that kind of shape off-screen too, makes this a very uncomfortable experience. It’s the kind of role that in a straight western, used to be played by the likes of Edmond O’Brien and Thomas Mitchell, and doesn’t do Candy any favours at all. We all know Candy had his vices and demons like most comedians, but watching this film is like watching one of cinema’s nicest and most affable personalities die before your very eyes. It’s even sadder knowing Candy was contractually obligated to make this piece of crap. Meanwhile, everything wrong with this film (outside of off-screen issues that couldn’t be helped) can probably be summed up in two words: Richard Lewis. Sure, Gailard Sartain (the fat guy from the “Ernest” movies) is also a clear sign you’re watching a terrible comedy, but Lewis is a total red freaking flag of terrible, uninspired comedy ensuing. Has anyone ever found this guy remotely funny? And no fuckin’ way is he credible as someone from St. Louis. How stupid is that? Sartain, by the way, is caught playing with toy trains, a direct steal from the much funnier “Spaceballs”, with Dark Helmet caught playing with action figures. If Ellen Greene’s role weren’t originally offered to Madeline Kahn but she turned it down ‘coz it’s a shit script, I’d be shocked. Ed Lauter’s a talented character actor, but giving him a role inspired by Kirk Douglas in “Cactus Jack” and Slim Pickens in…every role Slim Pickens ever played, just isn’t a good fit for him. Although I’ve got serious problems with the mincing gay stereotype, John C. McGinley at least manages to show versatility in playing effeminate and macho in the very same character. It’s the one interesting thing about the film, and he gets the one brilliant line of dialogue in the film (‘Happy Valentine’s Day!’).

 

A depressing swan song for one of the genuine nice guys of comedy, this western spoof is witless, unenjoyable, and unnecessary. John Candy didn’t want to make it, I suggest you don’t watch it.

 

Rating: D