Review: The Sinful Nuns of Saint Valentine


 Paolo Malco plays Esteban, wrongly accused of heresy by his girlfriend’s rigid father. Running away, he is wounded and seeks refuge in the very same convent that his beloved (Jenny Tamburi) has been sent to by daddy. However, he has arrived at a very dangerous time, as Tamburi’s horny lesbian roommate (Bruna Beani) has just been found murdered, and the Inquisitor, Father Onorio (Corrada Gaipa) has just whipped a confession of guilt out of Tamburi, though it was likely only to stop the torture. Meanwhile, the Abbess (well played by Francoise Prevost) discovers Paolo’s presence and suggests hiding him in her bedroom. In her bed. While she sleeps in it. Naked. Yep. Can our young lovers reunite before Tamburi is executed for a crime she (probably) didn’t commit?

 

Sitting boringly and uncomfortably between arthouse wannabe and failed nunsploitation sleazefest, this 1974 flick is unlikely to please anyone. Veteran Italian writer-director Sergio Grieco would’ve done better to toss out the drama and pretension and amp up the sex, especially on the Sapphic front. The film is practically begging for it by its very (awesome) title. Instead we get some tits, a lesbian scene that ends before it really starts (and doesn’t seem terribly consensual anyway), and a whole lotta talk. Yeah, that’s what you want from a film called “The Sinful Nuns of Saint Valentine”, isn’t it? A political rant against the Inquisition’s use of torture. Yay! If anything, it more closely resembles a sexually repressed Hammer horror film, just not one of the good ones, and with lesser actors than Hammer’s best (Christopher Lee, Peter Cushing, Ingrid Pitt, and Ralph Bates for instance). I guess some people will like the whipping scenes, that’s not really my bag, though all the talk of the Devil ‘penetrating’ did make me giggle. Also, I swear the chief Inquisitor (Corrada Gaipa) looked like the late Al Molinaro from “Happy Days”, and drippy leading man Paolo Malco looked like Barry Manilow with a Prince Valiant haircut. Am I the only one? It’s all so blandly tame, and for a nunsploitation film (and I do think it’s aiming to be a higher-minded entry into that genre, and failing) that’s the one genre you don’t really want restraint from.

Competently acted by most of the cast, but you really know Mr. Grieco has no idea what he’s doing when the randy lesbian is the first one to get bumped off. Sure, there’s lots of stuff going on in the film’s climax (finally!), but otherwise, lots of tits, talk, and some light torture aren’t gonna do it for me. It’s far too tame and mostly, I sat there waiting for the Grand Inquisitor to bring out the Comfy Chair! I’d rather re-watch “Twins of Evil” or “Witchfinder General” instead for my period religious zealot horror, or “Vampyros Lesbos” for my sexploitation fix. Grieco’s screenplay is based on a story by Grieco and Luigi Mordini.

 

Rating: D+

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