Review: You Don’t Mess With the Zohan

Adam Sandler plays an Israeli Mossad agent (with a deliberately anachronistic 80s Europop band hairdo and surprisingly non-sucky accent) who has tired of the anti-terrorism game. I mean, what’s the use in continually tracking down arch enemy Phantom (John Turturro) when the Israeli authorities just keep setting him free? He has lost his passion for the job. Instead he longs of becoming a hairdresser (!), and so he fakes his own death at the hands of arch-enemy Phantom, goes to the US and tries to live out his dream, posing as an Australian (!!) named Scrappy Coco. The hedonistic Zohan has this thing about ‘satisfying’ his (predominantly middle-aged bordering on geriatric) clients every desire, which greatly improves the salon’s cash flow (Is Sandler a fan of the Aussie cultural icon and noted ‘pants man’ “Alvin Purple”, or something?). He also meets and falls for the cute salon owner Emmanuelle Chriqui (accent less convincing), but just as things seem to be going well for the 70s-styled wannabe hair stylist, an old enemy (Middle-Eastern taxi driver Rob Schneider!) turns up to potentially expose Sandler’s secret identity to his Hezbollah cronies. And then there’s the fact that Zohan is Israeli and Chriqui’s character is a Palestinian. Now there’s a variation on “Meet the Parents” I’d like to see. Or not. Lainie Kazan plays the horny, aging mother of the guy Sandler stays with, whilst in the US, Charlotte Rae (of “Facts of Life” and “Diff’rent Strokes” fame) plays one of several women Zohan woos, ring announcer Michael Buffer plays a nasty Trump-like corporate shark, and Mariah Carey is a good sport playing a version of herself. Or maybe that’s what she is really like in real-life (or whatever planet she’s currently orbiting. I like to think it’s called Booby Wonderland. I probably shouldn’t be telling people that).

 

Weird, desperately unfunny (and way too long, at almost two hours!) 2008 Dennis Dugan (“Happy Gilmore”, “Big Daddy”, “I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry”, and “The Benchwarmers”) vehicle for Sandler is a total misfire, but still a lot better than Mike Myers’ facile ego trip “The Love Guru” (not to mention the hideous “Borat”) and not quite as racially offensive as it could’ve been. It’s too stupid and harmless, and just wants everyone to get along. Thank heavens for small mercies!

 

Actually, the comparison to “The Love Guru” is quite apt in that you could replace Chriqui here with Jessica Alba easily, and instead of that film’s Celine Dion obsession, we get a Mariah Carey cameo here (and it’s one of the better things about the film, mostly ‘coz Mariah’s incredibly voluptuous and um…sorry, it’s getting weird. I’m weird. Moving on…). The sexy and charismatic Chriqui is far too cute to be associated with this idiotic film that is full of lobotomised characters, and has maybe one or two chuckles (and no, neither of these laughs are provided by Rob Schneider). The shockingly the screenplay is by not only Sandler and “SNL” cartoonist Robert Smigel, but the ubiquitous (and usually smart) Judd Apatow (“Superbad”, “The 40 Year Old Virgin”, Sandler’s best film “Funny People”), who ought to know better. I mean, a Mossad agent who wants to be a hairdresser? That’s just lame (though apparently slightly based on a real guy. Go figure!). And while we’re talking about shocking, be warned: This film provides us with rear nudity from Lainie Freakin’ Kazan (!) and Rob Schneider plays an Arab taxi driver with possible terrorist ties. Sandler really needs to take his dopey ideas (why is Michael Buffer playing a Trump-like villain?) to someone outside of his clique, next time. Then again, what do I know, I’m the one who liked “Little Nicky” and didn’t mind “I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry” and “Reign Over Me”.

 

Surely even Sandler’s devotees can see that this is desperate stuff (though obviously his numerous friends who turn up here didn’t read the script before signing on), unless you’re one of the idiots who still try to convince me that “Zoolander” (not a Sandler film, but still a terrible one anyway about a similar topic) and Sandler’s “The Waterboy” are the height of hilarity.

 

Rating: C-