Review: Universal Soldier: The Return

The Unisol program of reanimated and microchipped dead soldiers is now being programmed by a supercomputer named S.E.T.H. (voiced by Michael Jai White). S.E.T.H. reacts rather badly to the news that the program is to be shut down by the government. S.E.T.H.’s response is to program a bunch of Unisols to crush, kill, and destroy on command. Working to stop S.E.T.H. is former Unisol Luc Devereux (Jean-Claude Van Damme), who is now back in fully human form and working as a consultant for the Unisol program (Really? After everything he went through as a Unisol?). Bill Goldberg plays an antagonistic Unisol named Romeo, Heidi Schanz plays an innocent reporter caught up in the mayhem, Xander Berkeley is the human representative of the Unisol program, Daniel von Bargen plays a military General, Kiana Tom is Devereux’s friend and co-worker, and Brent Hinkley is an unscrupulous computer geek in league with S.E.T.H.

Ignoring the two previous made-for-TV sequels entirely, this 1999 Mic Rodgers (a veteran stuntman and occasional actor making his first and so far only directorial effort) flick was much ballyhooed as Jean-Claude Van Damme’s return to the franchise in order to set it back on the right path. It didn’t work out like that, as this is a pretty dull film, but it’s not a complete washout. On an action level, it delivers, with only some bad 90s metal and JCVD’s distractingly ginormous forehead tumour getting in the way. Seriously, I’m one of the few who will defend Megadeth’s ‘Crush ‘Em’ (played over the end credits here, it’s admittedly a stadium rocker from the noted thrash metal band, but very catchy), but otherwise the soundtrack is truly awful. As I said, the action is fun, probably JCVD’s true last hurrah on that front (Rodgers, having worked on films like “Braveheart”, “Rambo III”, “Road House”, and “Lethal Weapon 3” obviously knows his action). So it’s a shame that the rest is so boring and predominantly poorly acted, too.

The evil computer with the sexy, silky baritone of Michael Jai White isn’t an inherently bad plot idea, but it’s not remotely original for a film that is already a sequel to a film that was a “Terminator” variant. On the plus side, hammy as hell as he is, Michael Jai White (who really ought to have been a more prolific action star earlier in his career) easily gives the best performance in the entire film. Van Damme is typical 90s Van Damme, he’d improve considerably in the next few years with films like “Replicant”, “Wake of Death”, and “Until Death”. He was one of the producers and obviously hoped this would bring the series back on track, but it clearly doesn’t. WCW/WWE musclehead Goldberg couldn’t be more physically perfect for his part, but is corny and clearly no Dolph Lundgren, who is sorely missed. Token hot chick Heidi Schanz is terrible and not especially hot (in an attempt to call back to Ally Walker in the original “Universal Soldier”), whilst ‘fitness expert’ Kiana Tom is the furthest thing from an actress. Brent Hinkley, with blue hair is aping 80s era Bill Paxton in an uncredited role that proves a major annoyance. ‘Genuine’ actors Xander Berkeley (in a rare ‘good guy’ role of sorts) and Daniel von Bargen are completely wasted, and it’s hard not to watch the latter and immediately recall his work on “Seinfeld” as George Costanza’s negligent boss. Don Davis (“Bound”, “The Matrix”, “Valentine”) contributes a very 1980s music score, completely unoriginal but kinda cheesy fun.

It’s a shame the film itself is only fun in fits and starts. This isn’t awful, but it’s awfully ordinary. The next two sequels would surpass it greatly. The action is solid, the rest is thoroughly ‘meh’, though Michael Jai White is a fucking bad arse mofo when given the (all-too brief) chance to cut loose here. The clichéd screenplay is by John Fasano (“Another 48HRS”, “Sniper: Reloaded”) and William Malone (director of the remake of “House on Haunted Hill” and the underwhelming tech-horror pic “feardotcom”).

Rating: C