Review: Warcraft: The Beginning

A clash between orcs and humans ensues when an Orc mage opens up a portal between their world and the human world of Azeroth. Travis Fimmel plays human warrior Anduin Lothar, with Paula Patton playing an orc/human hybrid named Garona. Dominic Cooper plays the human king, Ruth Negga the queen, Ben Foster a mage (basically a mixture of Saruman and Grima Wormtongue), and Toby Kebbell plays an orc who isn’t buying orc mage Daniel Wu’s shit.

I’ve never played any of the games, but in addition to being a fantasy fan from way back, I’m familiar enough with the franchise to have known pretty much what to expect with this 2016 big-screen adaptation from Duncan Jones (AKA Zowie Bowie, director of the enjoyable “Moon” and “Source Code”) and his co-writer Charles Leavitt (“Blood Diamond”, “In the Heart of the Sea”). Something tells me that even many fans of the franchise will not find very much to like about this cornball, cheapjack D-grade fantasy flick (And indeed, some fans complained that the film is based on an earlier, lesser incarnation of the franchise than its most popular storylines). With all the American accents unconvincingly spouting cheesier-than-usual fantasy-speak, it reminded me of the “Warcraft”-themed episode of “The Big Bang Theory” where Sheldon sold the Sword of Azeroth on eBay and spoke in that third-rate attempt at an English accent that all American D&D nerds seem to adopt (Or at least pop culture representations of D&D nerds, which probably aren’t terribly accurate). Basically, it’s D&D-level fantasy, which from me is not a compliment. It’s cardboard, a phony poseur of what fantasy films should be. I had hoped the “Lord of the Rings” films would usher in a grand era of fantasy films to replace the enjoyable but clearly not brilliant 80s era of fantasy films. Instead, in addition to the dull and bloated “Hobbit” films, this new era has failed miserably to provide that new era of top-echelon fantasy films. Even 14 year-old fantasy-loving me wouldn’t have gotten into this. I grew up on Terry Pratchett, Terry Brooks (the best of the Tolkien rip-offs if you ask me), and “The Beastmaster” and “Ladyhawke”.

The fact that this is apparently based off the 1994 MS-DOS version of “Warcraft” really explains a lot, because FX-wise the film doesn’t really cut it, either. The backgrounds in particular look phony, and it all looks, and from a performance level plays, like a feature-length ‘cut scene’ from a computer game. Muffled-voiced Travis Fimmel, the talented Ben Foster (abysmally miscast), Dominic Cooper, and Ruth Negga all seem completely embarrassed to be there. Hell, Cooper looks like he’s picturing himself getting sloshed at the pub as soon as someone yells ‘cut’. In addition to seeming bemused, Aussie actor Fimmel to me always comes across as high, and here he looks completely baked throughout. I don’t blame him, this is terrible. As for the lovely Paula Patton, someone should be taken out and shot for turning her into an Orc woman, in a completely thankless task. Poor Paula looks absurd and talks like a Native American from a 40s-era John Wayne film.

The only positives I got out of this film were a cute baby Orc and a fine, thunderous music score by the reliable Ramin Djawadi (TV’s compelling “Game of Thrones”). Otherwise, this just doesn’t cut it. I’m sorry, but this cheap poseur is indicative of everything that almost makes me want to deny being a fan of fantasy. Stilted ‘fantasy-speak’ dialogue mouthed by embarrassed stars, production values that if expensive don’t actually look it, and a truly tedious ‘fantasy movie bare essentials’ story. They all combine to create one of the bigger and more interminable disappointments of the year and probably one of the worst computer game flicks of all-time (Not as bad as “Street Fighter” or its sequel, though). That’s kind of ironic given the game company refused to let frequent video game filmmaker Uwe Boll direct the film…this film’s even worse than his game adaptations!

Rating: D