Review: Destroy All Monsters!

Set in the ‘future’ of 1999 where all of the Earth’s monsters have been captured and contained on their own island, which for some bizarre reason is called ‘Monster Island’. Yep, apparently I lived through an all-out monster attack. How did the Japanese government keep this a secret? Anyway, enough bad jokes for one review. All of a sudden, all 11 of the monsters start rampaging across the Earth- Paris, New York, Tokyo- you name it, it’s gonna get a mudhole stomped in it by some of the most destructive monsters ever seen. And Godzilla’s dopey son Minya/Minilla, who isn’t very destructive or monstrous. Akira Kubo and his space rocket crew (which I might add, along with scientists at a UN-sanctioned lab, were meant to oversee the island) soon learn that this is all part of a crazy alien plot by The Kilaaks, who use the monsters to soften up humanity for their impending invasion. It’s up to Kubo and his team to find a way to ward off both the monsters and keep The Kilaaks from fulfilling their evil plans. But do The Kilaaks have another ace up their sleeve?

Monster roll call time. The following monsters appear in the film: Godzilla; King of the Monsters and radioactive stomper of buildings and fleeing Japanese. Mothra; Sometimes seen in moth form, but here seen as larvae and an enemy to trains. Minya/Minilla; Godzilla’s dopey, happy-looking, smoke ring-shooting son, a constant disappointment to his hard taskmaster dad. Gorosaurus; One of the worst monsters, he’s just a dinosaur who apparently starred in “King Kong Escapes”. Kumonga; The giant spider. Manda; A giant snake...with legs. Anguirus (Angillas); Another dinosaur, but a spiky Ankylosaurus this time, who was also in “Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla” and other films, usually as a Godzilla ally. Rodan; A pterodactyl-like monster who soars through the sky and is apparently a Socialist. He also never does anything of value ever in any of these films. Seriously, he’s just very windy. Varan; star of “Varan The Unbelievable”, good luck spotting this flying creature, ‘coz I certainly didn’t. Googling it, it turns out Varan is basically a flying mixture of Godzilla and Anguirus. King Ghidorah; The flying, laser-shooting, three-headed monster and frequent Godzilla opponent. The Fire Monster; The Kilaak’s secret weapon...who isn’t all that useful at the end of the day. Barugon rounds out the 11...in spirit. He’s mentioned in the film but strangely never seen (I’ve heard the suit was crap).

We all have a favourite “Godzilla” film, and this 1968 all-star effort from Ishiro Honda (“Gojira”, “Godzilla vs. Monster Zero”) is my personal choice. There’s no great science or reason to it, I just find it more fun than the others, plain and simple. Sure, some of the monsters are crap. Like I said, I didn’t even spot them all. However, this monster-mash is almost too much fun, and as one of the first Godzilla films I ever saw, it will always hold a special place in my heart.

Early on we’re treated to the excellent Akira Ifukube theme, and it’s as glorious as ever. Alan Silvestri clearly was inspired by Ifukube when doing the score for “Predator”. It definitely gets us off to the right start. The human cast is top-notch here, with Akira Kubo (probably my favourite human star of these films) playing a much less goofy hero, this time a rocket ship Captain. We also have Yoshio Tsuchiya from “Son of Godzilla” (he was the surly guy going unhinged) and Jun Tazaki turning up as scientists, Kenji Sahara as the Commander of Kubo and his crew, and a good performance by Yoshifumi Tajima as a General. Kyoko Ai is terrific as the creepy, outwardly pleasant-yet clearly menacing- Kilaak Queen, and special mention must go to the hilariously silly sideline sports commentator calling the monster action.

Plot-wise, Toho went to this well a few too many times over the years, but this film and “Godzilla vs. Monster Zero” were the two best usages of such alien conspiracy plots in my opinion. Scripted by Honda and Kaoru Mabuchi (AKA Takeshi Kimura, co-writer of “Godzilla vs. Hedorah” and writer of “Gorath”), it may be a tad talky in the first 40 minutes, but there’s not too many lulls or dead spots in this one. Some of the monster suits may be a tad questionable, but the attack scenes and miniature work are terrific fun. There’s some particularly great shots of Godzilla, for instance and terrific overhead shots of military vehicles. We get a fun bit with Mothra in larvae form playing a game of chicken with a train. And winning. However, Rodan blowing up a plane looks stupid because Rodan is stupid and useless. Manda isn’t terribly effective, but is a different-looking creature, so that’s a plus instead of being a third-rate Godzilla like Gorosaurus. Anguirus can be a bit hit-and-miss for me in these films, but aside from one moment I’ll get to later, this is one of the spiky dinosaur’s better showings, making easy work of some tanks. My favourite moment in the entire film is Godzilla leading the ‘good’ monsters into battle. It looks more like he’s leading them in a Jane Fonda workout video. That’s not a criticism in the slightest, it’s all part of the charm of these films. King Ghidorah, batting for the away team as is usually the case in these things once again proves to be a great-looking monster…who gets to be everyone’s bitch. Mothra and the spider Kumonga spin their silky-web shit at him, Rodan kicks dirt in his face, etc. Then Godzilla walks up like a boss and just tears right into one of KG’s necks. To be honest, Godzilla really does carry his team’s load in this one, the others aren’t very effective fighters. In fact, Anguirus even runs away from King Ghidorah at one point. Dude, I was defending you a minute ago and now you go and act like a pussy. Weak sauce. Once Godzilla has pummelled KG, that’s when everyone else comes in to pick the bones. Yeah, nice of you to turn up, guys. I won’t pick on young Minya for doing F-all in the film, because the kid’s never been much good in a scrap anyway, best to just sit back and watch your dad do all the fighting. Let’s face it, Minya’s the Ralph Wiggum of kaiju. He’s still not the worst, though. Hell, even Gorosaurus isn’t the worst. Nope. That distinction belongs to the Fire Monster, which is just a shit bit of rotoscoping. The rest of my criticisms really aren’t criticisms but mere curious observations, given the campy nature of the film. But that bit of animation is just plain awful, there’s no fun in that at all.

I’m not saying this film is 100% monster action, but if you like your Godzilla films to be heavy on the monsters and action, this is your Godzilla nirvana right here. Great fun.

Rating: B+